"...once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."
I had just returned from two schools where I'd delivered the kids, a bass guitar and a school project when the phone rang. A forgotten assignment and trumpet lay near the door, could I please bring them? Feelings of frustration started to rise, the many demands and arguments from the past days filling my memory, but as I listened to the little voice on the line, I realized we had a lot to celebrate this morning. We had gotten out of the house on time, we had not had any lying, no forgetting the steps we needed to take to get ready, no demanding in angry voices, no noticeable bad choices and things had been quite peaceful unlike many mornings recently. The sun was shining in the windows as I looked over and saw the forgotten items. I remembered this same child sitting and trying to remember exactly how the digestive track worked as he prepared for what he was going to present in front of his class. His excitement and nervousness evident yet controlled enough to think without interrupting himself. I silently smiled and told my son that yes, I would come and bring his instrument and papers.
I drove to the school in the sunshine. I found myself smiling as I walked into the office and announced to the secretaries that I brought the aftermath of a successful morning at home. These items were forgotten, but they served as a reminder that we have come so far. Most mornings are a struggle of wills and grouchiness and when we are stuck in that, it is hard to see the progress. And so, I chose to celebrate that even though it was an inconvenience, other things had gone well this morning. I chose to see the good and found joy in this moment, which may seem small to you, but makes me feel pretty happy about.
I have been missing this space, this place where I can write what's on my heart. One day I may put to words what had stopped the entries, why I couldn't write for over a year, why this place sat empty and wordless. But today I can no longer keep silent.
My heart has been heavy for some time for people close to me and for people around the world. One doesn't have to look far to see pain, oppression, fear, suffering and injustice. Our people in the African country our youngest two children were born in weigh heavily on my heart. Due to many reasons, laws and regulations that could endanger friends, family and even future visits, I will not disclose what's going on there on social media, but my heart aches and I fear what is happening in that country. Last Sunday, as we sang praises to God, I questioned the words we sang- did I believe that I could still sing praises with what our people are going through? Could God be big enough to be carry their situation? Would they be able to praise him amidst what is happening there? How could we be standing here, declaring God's goodness and healing, seeing freedom in our own lives when so much in this world is broken and wrong? When evil is so strong and fear is ruling, where is God in this? Could I believe there is freedom from the chains that bind, that He will calm the storms that we cannot control and that the promise of what's to come is enough? That if everyone does not experience physical, mental and emotional freedom here on earth, that we can still sing praises? And how can we remain silent if we ask God to heal our street and land- how do we sing these declarations and than sit down but not act on them? What is our responsibility in this?
Our people in our beloved country in Africa stood silently, wanting to be heard. They have tried lifting their voices, unified and loud but were silenced. They have lost their voice, the one thing they need heard has been taken.
As I stood in the sanctuary of our church, I heard the words "Who will be their voice?". Who? If not me, than who? If not you, than who? Who will speak up for those in slavery, for those under an oppressive government, for those stuck in wording of a court document, for those being discriminated against, for those who are being abused, those who have no voice? The world is full of innocent brothers and sisters suffering, "stuck" in their situation. How will I not only speak for them, but speak life into them?
I have no idea what it will mean to be their voice. I have no idea where this calling and passion will lead me. I have no idea, but I invite you to join in searching who God is calling you to speak out for. But I do know that within me it cries out that all will know the Truth, the saving message of Jesus great love, that God is Holy and that He is fighting for their good.
Time pauses as clouds are splashed across the horizon-
Where heaven touches earth.
Heaven reaching down
Streaming in shades of indescribable glory.
Time dissolved,
Changing.
Evolving.
Glowing.
The vast prairies bathed in golden hues
Warm orange melting to yellow and pink as the day draws to a close.
The earth, stilled
Silence sneaks in.
Darkness envelopes-
The end unfolds
Yet doesn't totally unravel
Slivers of new light
Whispers of hope
Warm with life
Glowing with promise.
Relentless.
Breaking the dark barriers
Shattering the silence.
Like the tide coming in,
The sun flows over the land.
Flooding the shadows
Revealing all that was hidden
Washing it clean
Restoring the brokenness
Making it new.
Warming.
Encouraging growth.
Opening wide,
Reaching,
Yearning for the heavens.
Pausing,
Waiting.
Trusting.
The creator reaches down
Love flows,
Life is breathed out
From the heavens
And covers the earth.
Inspired during a walk along the dike west of town. I looked up, and the clouds looked like they had been painted across the blue blue sky with a paint brush- dabbed here and there. Written May, 2015.
Last night we read part of the Empower Ministries newsletter. It talked about 1000 new believers in Ethiopia who were gathered on the countryside worshiping and praying together. In the midst of their worship, news broke out that there were New Testaments available that were written in their native language. However, there were only 200 copies available. Chaos and panic struck the group as everyone rushed to get a copy. One man yelled out that he would do anything to get a copy of God's Word for his family. And as we read this, Meski couldn't believe they don't have access to a Bible. She quickly offered to send hers! But as we discussed the reasons why that wouldn't be a good idea (the cost to send it and the language problem), her eyes got bigger and she raced off for her money jar. We continued reading through stories of new believers and new churches, all in need of copies of the Good News. At the end we found out it costs $3.50 to provide a copy of the Bible. Three dollars and fifty cents. Less than a jug of milk in Canada. Meski began counting her spending money. $3.50. Enough for one Bible in Amharic. Her eyes shone and she asked if she had enough for another Bible.
Meski's generous heart was not content to only send money for one Bible. Before bed she prayed for more people to send money for Bibles. And she prayed that her special people back in the village she was born in would have Bibles and be able to read them. And so we wonder who else might have $3.50 that they'd like to send to buy a copy of God's Word for our people in Ethiopia. We will gladly give you the address/info for Empower Ministries or will send it in for you.
I was sitting in my hot tub last night in the rain. Often I see rain as negative because the pressure systems that come with rain usually make my body ache. However, this time, as I sat in my sanctuary and refuge, the rain fell on me, cool and refreshing as I soaked in the warm water of the tub. And as it fell, I was reminded of the song "Grace Like Rain" (see below). Physically I was alone in the tub, but I knew that the presence of the Holy Spirit was there and I felt secure, at peace, covered in something holy. It was like His grace was falling like rain and was covering me. Washing away my sin. Grace. Something I don't deserve. Something I can't earn. A gift.
I looked up what grace meant after writing that to be sure I was right in what I'd been reminded about and I was struck by the the first definition from Merriam-webster.com:
Grace:
a: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification
b: a virtue coming from God
c: a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace
Unmerited. A virtue coming from God. A state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace. That is what I want more of. That is what I want to cover me. While everything around me tells me to do more, to be more, to try to save myself, this grace leaves me in wonder and awe. And, Easter is coming where I celebrate that Jesus died and rose, paying for my sin and inviting me to a life in heaven after this life, a life that never ends. And that takes grace to a deeper place. He did that for me. Nothing I can do will ever equal what He did nor be enough. I deserve death because of my sins, But God loves us so much that His son died for us. There's no way can I ever earn or come to deserve this gift. In Ephesians 1:7 it says "Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the
altar of the Cross, we're a free people- free of penalties and
punishments chalked up by our misdeeds. And not just barely free,
either. Abundantly free!" (the Message). Grace.
Hallelujah Grace like rain fall over me. Hallelujah all my stains are washed away, They are washed away!
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—
and this is not from yourselves,
it is the gift of God.
(Ephesians 2:8)
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
And I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see so clearly
And Hallelujah, grace like rain
Falls down on me
And Hallelujah and all my stains
Are washed away, they're washed away
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
And Hallelujah, grace like rain
Falls down on me
And Hallelujah and all my stains
Are washed away, they're washed away
When we've been there, ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun
And Hallelujah, grace like rain
Falls down on me
And Hallelujah and all my stains
Are washed away
And Hallelujah, grace like rain
Falls down on me
And Hallelujah and all my stains
Are washed away, they're washed away
And Hallelujah
And Hallelujah
And Hallelujah
And Hallelujah all my stains
Are washed away, they're washed away
The sun has just broken through the cloudy sky and is bathing the earth in hope. The sky in the background is still dark, foreboding and dreary yet there is a ray of mercy as the sun's power lights up my surroundings. And so it is in my head. I've been living in a heavy swell of a sinus infection and respiratory virus that does not want to let go. I've also had a hard two months with new symptoms and struggles physically. I'm thankful for our medical system because yesterday I finally went in and have started a dose of antibiotics and steroids the will clear this infection and inflammation that my body alone could not fight.
The sun is like a whisper of encouragement to my weary heart. It stirs something in me. I begin to feel it take hold and sparks hope. The subtle clearing in my head as the pain begins to subside allows me to reason and know that I will make it. Things will be ok. There is hope that this too will heal and pass. I wait for opening of my
airways and feel the freedom from the holds of this infection. I am unsure where one illness starts and the other ends. They all tangle together and leave me confused as to what is causing what and what is new or could be treated with meds. I do not identify myself by these labels. But these labels give some explanation for symptoms, they remind me I am not crazy and they give doctors an understanding on how to help me physically. As new labels have been added recently, I find myself researching and trying to understand what is happening and how I can make changes in my diet to help heal my body. I carefully balance these diagnosis with trying not to take illnesses onto myself that aren't mine and to believe that even though the tests show these diagnoses, my God can still heal me. Celiac, fibromyalgia, respiratory infections, bacterial infections, adrenal gland conditions, Raynaud's Phenomena, a gland condition and GERD- all these things are not not too big for the great Healer. As the sun hid behind the clouds, I knew it was still shining but was
hidden, blocked from my view. Even though I can't see it I need to
believe it is still there, shining, warming the earth. And although I don't know if that healing will come on this side of heaven, I am not giving up. I am holding onto Hope. I am choosing to not living in fear but remembering my identity and letting the Sonshine warm my back and fall on my face as I look up and praise the One who knows me and made me.
And as I reflect upon this, I see how much bigger the picture is than
just the sunshine on the dark cloudy backdrop or my body fighting to
become healthy but getting weary and run down. It moves beyond this world into the "unseen world". The clouds move in, threatening to block the sun just like the enemy wants to block my trust and make me give in to fear and frustration. I have lived according to unwritten rules that I have learned through my life. These rules have created unhealthy patterns. I often find myself discouraged, feeling alone and misunderstood. I hate that my struggles aren't written across my face, that no one really sees into my body or my knows the struggles I carry. I often get overwhelmed and feel like things are too much, especially after going to a doctor with hopes for a cure and only get more possible diagnoses or questions and the sad reminder that my doctor is not God. I know these are lies that the enemy wants me to believe. I know that "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline"(1 Timothy 1:7).
The other night I lay awake for hours, my mind replaying events over the past years where I watched things and people being taken away from me. As I watched, I saw scenes where God took these things away, where I could no longer play piano and express my emotions through music, where I could no longer hold a pen to write my thoughts, to moments where I lost our unborn babies and with it broken dreams, of people I loved not getting better or healed and passing away form this world, to the realization that to have celiac meant I would be causing internal damage when I had my one gluten cheat- injera and how I did not want to give up this food that I love the taste of and am attached to emotionally. These losses played over and over, leaving me with no control, vulnerable, broken. I grieved these losses, and in my sleepless unrest, my mind began to get angry. I felt entitled to the health and things I saw others receive and do. I became angry and the empty hurt filled me over these losses. It became overwhelming. As the hours passed slowly, my mind gave in to the panic that follows the realization of the depth of the losses. I felt the fear enclose me, making it hard to breath (which was also caused by my respiratory infection). Suddenly I sat up, the anxiety so thick I almost had to push it aside. I didn't known what to do, but I spoke out into the dark that I needed "truth". I got out of bed, as if I could walk away from the attack, as if to distance myself from the lies. I began to speak out loud as I gathered my thoughts. What was the Truth? Did I believe that my life was worthless? That because these things were not possible for me right now that I was not enough? Was I really alone? Was this really too big? And I began to ask Jesus what the Truth was. Where was he when these things were taken from me? Was I too many illnesses to be who my family needs? Were the words of those around me true when they spoke the negative and fearful words about possible outcomes from diseases? Who were these accusations from? I was reminded about the lessons we are teaching our grade two girls in Sunday School about the Armour of God. I needed my belt of Truth. I needed to be close to my source of Truth- my God. I needed to have words of truth and as I imagined myself grab my sword, I spoke truth into the darkness. I called out the lies, replacing them with truth. I am loved, I am enough, I am not alone, I am filled with the Holy Spirit, who is peace and who strengthens me and equips me. I opened my eyes to see the battle I was in was not so much a physical battle but one with the enemy. As I lay back down, I allowed my mind to replay the scenes I had been re-living asking God to show my the truth or to speak healing to these situations. I was reminded of the image of Jesus holding my babies who died before I got to hold them, rocking them and caring for them until the day we will meet, of the healing that happened in our relationship before my dad passed away and even though he was not physically healed here on earth, I was reminded of the presence of God in the room when my Dad breathed his last breath on earth and went on to breath his first deep breath in heaven, fully healed and delivered from the pains in this world. I was reminded of how God has been healing Paulos and Meski and our family since they joined our family five years ago. I was reminded how many foods I can still enjoy and that there are ways to still enjoy Ethiopian food outside of restaurants. And as I remembered that I am right where God wants me and that I can be used by Him because I am more than the illness names that the doctors give my symptoms, I felt myself relax. I let go, surrendering my fears, my anxieties and gave them to the One who already knew what I was battling. As I spoke Truth and gave these things up I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit fill the room, leaving no place for the fear that the enemy wanted me to be under. And at last I fell asleep, peaceful. And each moment of every day is a choice. A choice to know the sun is shining even when I can't see it. A choice to feel the Sonshine on my face and the choice to take joy and fully live, even when the pieces of life fit different then I imagined.
I was out for a walk this afternoon. The plus 10 degree weather brought me hope. As I watched the water run down the sides of the streets, I felt a lightness return to my step. Snow was melting. Our world is about to thaw. Spring is coming. Just like every year until now, this frozen land would come back alive again. My body moved easier in the kinder temperature. It's almost like the weariness that settles in my bones during winter was lifting and falling off. The blueness of the sky a contrast next to the feather like clouds that surrounded the sun. I felt the sun warm my face. This place was not forgotten and barren. I felt energized and alive.
I walked along the dyke on the edge of town, the prairie sky open around me. I continued walking, visiting with God as I went and listening to my newest praise music, Our conversation fluttered back and forth on topics, things that are dear to my heart and about what God wanted me to be doing, how I could speak more into the life of a new friend recently going through huge life changes and on to what I was to be doing with my dreams and my longing for more of His spirit my life. I got our mail and ended my walk listening to the song at the top of this blog post.
In the mail was a new letter from our compassion sponsor child. Last week a new updated photo of her had arrived. Meski was so excited and she quickly made a card and gathered stickers to send this little girl living around the world in a land Meski herself once walked. She proudly added a photo of our family and reminded her that she too was born in Ethiopia. She wrote that she loves her and loves that she knows about God. Today, I read the words translated into English from Amharic, words about wanting prayer for her studies and that her family is fine. Words asking how we were and how we had celebrated the Christmas feast. In the midst, she told us she loved us. Later she added that she would like to meet us face to face and then closed by saying she loved us and so did her mother.
"You don't miss a thing"... this young girl and her mom's love, or maybe more so her need for the sponsorship to have food and schooling and to survive and hopefully thrive in a city without a dad. I take for granted that each month money goes from our account to support them. I forget to pray for them. And suddenly I was reminded about the piece I have to play providing sponsorship for this little girl and the prayers I can send out on her and her family's behalf to our God who cares, who listens and who loves. This girl and her family reply on us to help provide food, schooling, and our gifts provide traditional clothing and cloth to make more clothing. We had asked for a child in Addis Ababa so we could visit her but when we were in Addis 5 years ago it didn't work out. As I go about my day I often forget that we have this opportunity to make a difference in her life, and in the lives of others that we sponsor. And because it makes a difference in her life it is worth doing. He chose our family to connect with this one- He doesn't miss a thing.
You Don't Miss A Thing
When You stand
I feel the floor of Heaven tremble
As You breathe
We live and have our being
When you speak
Oh I feel it in my chest
When You sing
All my fears are put to rest
What a wondrous thing
I can stand to sing
Cause when I fall to my knees,
You’re the one who pulls me up again
What a mystery
That You notice me
And in a crowd of ten thousand
You don’t miss a thing
When you sigh
The wind becomes a sonnet
When you laugh
The storm around me ceases
You whisper
And all my enemies are scattered
You surround me
With angels on assignment
