Hope When the Leaves Fall

As the air grows cold and the sun is hidden behind the clouds it brings a sense of weariness. I am tired.  Sore.  Worn out and in need of renewal.  I am tired of being strong, of doing extra to keep our household afloat.  Since summer I've been running, not taking the time to rest.  Not taking the time to release.  Not taking the time to soak in grace.  I have enjoyed the strength that has been building in my body, some days even forgetting the pain that fibromyalgia brings.  But after going away to the Whiteshell for the week and beginning to relax, it's like my defenses came down.  I began to rest.  To be free of doing, free of all I've been carrying since Linc's accident.  And with that release, my body seemed to crash.

On Monday, the weather changed, and with it, my muscles began to seize and the all too familiar pain began to encase my body.  Like a cage it traps me.  Fears rise, like gophers in a field, popping up.  My mind automatically begins to calculate how many months until these prairie lands will thaw again, and with that the spasms in my muscles will stop.  The cold lasts too long.  Pain is dark and lonely and I find myself dreading it.  The wind has begun to blow, leaves being stripped from trees and the colored beauty tossed to the ground carelessly.  My body stiffens as if frozen.  On Friday Linc and I took the afternoon to go for a walk.  We sought shelter from the wind in trails through the bush.  In places, the wind felt cold and miserable but as we walked along, we found open spaces where the sun shone down, bringing warmth, coaxing my body to relax.

 We sat on the side of the trail, drinking in the sunlight.  The cold wind blew above the trees but I felt the warm whispers of Hope around me.  The truth of grace began to stir and love covered me.  I was reminded that the One who loves me is always with me and He is bringing healing to me.  I am captivated by His beauty.  I am lost when I look into the eyes of Jesus.  I find rest when I let go and wait in His arms.  And even if the pain in my body continues, my eyes are fixed beyond me,  beyond the pain of now and on the One who loves me with a love so deep.  It washes over me.  It carries me through the nights and the days.  And I am filled with hope, that even when the leaves fall, I am not alone.

And As I typed this, I was reminded of the song I heard the other day, which stripped away the layers and brought me Hope and reminded me of the Truth:

 (Sinking Deep by Hillsong United)