The sun is like a whisper of encouragement to my weary heart. It stirs something in me. I begin to feel it take hold and sparks hope. The subtle clearing in my head as the pain begins to subside allows me to reason and know that I will make it. Things will be ok. There is hope that this too will heal and pass. I wait for opening of my airways and feel the freedom from the holds of this infection. I am unsure where one illness starts and the other ends. They all tangle together and leave me confused as to what is causing what and what is new or could be treated with meds. I do not identify myself by these labels. But these labels give some explanation for symptoms, they remind me I am not crazy and they give doctors an understanding on how to help me physically. As new labels have been added recently, I find myself researching and trying to understand what is happening and how I can make changes in my diet to help heal my body. I carefully balance these diagnosis with trying not to take illnesses onto myself that aren't mine and to believe that even though the tests show these diagnoses, my God can still heal me. Celiac, fibromyalgia, respiratory infections, bacterial infections, adrenal gland conditions, Raynaud's Phenomena, a gland condition and GERD- all these things are not not too big for the great Healer. As the sun hid behind the clouds, I knew it was still shining but was hidden, blocked from my view. Even though I can't see it I need to believe it is still there, shining, warming the earth. And although I don't know if that healing will come on this side of heaven, I am not giving up. I am holding onto Hope. I am choosing to not living in fear but remembering my identity and letting the Sonshine warm my back and fall on my face as I look up and praise the One who knows me and made me.
And as I reflect upon this, I see how much bigger the picture is than just the sunshine on the dark cloudy backdrop or my body fighting to become healthy but getting weary and run down. It moves beyond this world into the "unseen world". The clouds move in, threatening to block the sun just like the enemy wants to block my trust and make me give in to fear and frustration. I have lived according to unwritten rules that I have learned through my life. These rules have created unhealthy patterns. I often find myself discouraged, feeling alone and misunderstood. I hate that my struggles aren't written across my face, that no one really sees into my body or my knows the struggles I carry. I often get overwhelmed and feel like things are too much, especially after going to a doctor with hopes for a cure and only get more possible diagnoses or questions and the sad reminder that my doctor is not God. I know these are lies that the enemy wants me to believe. I know that "God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline"(1 Timothy 1:7).
The other night I lay awake for hours, my mind replaying events over the past years where I watched things and people being taken away from me. As I watched, I saw scenes where God took these things away, where I could no longer play piano and express my emotions through music, where I could no longer hold a pen to write my thoughts, to moments where I lost our unborn babies and with it broken dreams, of people I loved not getting better or healed and passing away form this world, to the realization that to have celiac meant I would be causing internal damage when I had my one gluten cheat- injera and how I did not want to give up this food that I love the taste of and am attached to emotionally. These losses played over and over, leaving me with no control, vulnerable, broken. I grieved these losses, and in my sleepless unrest, my mind began to get angry. I felt entitled to the health and things I saw others receive and do. I became angry and the empty hurt filled me over these losses. It became overwhelming. As the hours passed slowly, my mind gave in to the panic that follows the realization of the depth of the losses. I felt the fear enclose me, making it hard to breath (which was also caused by my respiratory infection). Suddenly I sat up, the anxiety so thick I almost had to push it aside. I didn't known what to do, but I spoke out into the dark that I needed "truth". I got out of bed, as if I could walk away from the attack, as if to distance myself from the lies. I began to speak out loud as I gathered my thoughts. What was the Truth? Did I believe that my life was worthless? That because these things were not possible for me right now that I was not enough? Was I really alone? Was this really too big? And I began to ask Jesus what the Truth was. Where was he when these things were taken from me? Was I too many illnesses to be who my family needs? Were the words of those around me true when they spoke the negative and fearful words about possible outcomes from diseases? Who were these accusations from? I was reminded about the lessons we are teaching our grade two girls in Sunday School about the Armour of God. I needed my belt of Truth. I needed to be close to my source of Truth- my God. I needed to have words of truth and as I imagined myself grab my sword, I spoke truth into the darkness. I called out the lies, replacing them with truth. I am loved, I am enough, I am not alone, I am filled with the Holy Spirit, who is peace and who strengthens me and equips me. I opened my eyes to see the battle I was in was not so much a physical battle but one with the enemy. As I lay back down, I allowed my mind to replay the scenes I had been re-living asking God to show my the truth or to speak healing to these situations. I was reminded of the image of Jesus holding my babies who died before I got to hold them, rocking them and caring for them until the day we will meet, of the healing that happened in our relationship before my dad passed away and even though he was not physically healed here on earth, I was reminded of the presence of God in the room when my Dad breathed his last breath on earth and went on to breath his first deep breath in heaven, fully healed and delivered from the pains in this world. I was reminded of how God has been healing Paulos and Meski and our family since they joined our family five years ago. I was reminded how many foods I can still enjoy and that there are ways to still enjoy Ethiopian food outside of restaurants. And as I remembered that I am right where God wants me and that I can be used by Him because I am more than the illness names that the doctors give my symptoms, I felt myself relax. I let go, surrendering my fears, my anxieties and gave them to the One who already knew what I was battling. As I spoke Truth and gave these things up I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit fill the room, leaving no place for the fear that the enemy wanted me to be under. And at last I fell asleep, peaceful.
And each moment of every day is a choice. A choice to know the sun is shining even when I can't see it. A choice to feel the Sonshine on my face and the choice to take joy and fully live, even when the pieces of life fit different then I imagined.
Praise God! You are fearfully and wonderfully made...
ReplyDelete