Five Years Later

Five years ago today Linc and I were on a plane en route to our babies in Ethiopia.  We'd been dreaming and waiting for the moment for so many years.  We'd fallen in love with the photos of Paulos and Meski.  We read and researched and met with others to prepare.  We'd phoned and emailed, waited for referral, court dates, updates and photos.  We'd fought for paperwork, medicals and visas.  I'd found a support team online of other people waiting for their children and others already home with theirs.  And we went in so unprepared for so much of this journey.  I thought we were finally nearing the end of the journey when we got the call that we had visas for the kids to enter Canada.  We got our tickets, we planned to meet Hazel and travel together, we re-packed our suitcases with clothing that we hoped and guessed would fit our kids (3 months after we initially thought we'd be traveling) and we left our oldest two at home as we flew across the ocean.  Little did we know, but the journey was only just about to begin the day we were brought together...

I remember standing on the steps of the orphanage, about to meet our kids for the first time.  Fear gripped my heart at what was going to happen next.  And just like before giving birth to our first two children, I remember saying "I'm so not ready... I don't know if I can do this..."  And as we walked into the room where we would meet, the air was alive with expectation.  There was something sacred in that delivery room.  There was fear, there was the unknown, there was hurt, and there was loss.  But, there was also love waiting to be found.  Waiting to be known.  Waiting to be lived.  Waiting expectantly in me, and at the time unknown in them.  And there was love that since then has been learning to grow, love that has been healing, love that has been taking deep roots and sprouting into life.

That love took time.  It wasn't instant.  It was learned.  And in a sense, it was earned as trust and attachment formed.  I remember longing for the chance to snuggle with my baby girl, to hold her and calm her fears and help her know she could be safe with me.  In Ethiopia she would scream for hours, my little anbusa (lioness).  Eventually at night she would come to lie on me and scream in my face for such a long time before giving in to sleep.  She didn't want me, but she didn't want me to put her down alone.  She would fight sleep, wiggling, crying, wanting me to stand and hold her so I couldn't set her down and leave her abandoned.  She was so tiny and so very scared.

this was the calm after the storm... the photos and videos we have don't capture the way it really was before this...

the first night she cried so hard and than lay down and fell into an exhausted sleep

The first days, months and year together were beyond the hardest thing that I have ever done or lived through.  We did not live the fairytale but rather real life hit quickly and hard.  Fear (or do I say terror?!) and loss mixed together with survival skills left us in hours of screaming, of rages, or sleepless afternoon naps and of over 4 hour bedtimes with both Linc and I working together.  Mixed in were giggles and growth, but the heaviness of the loss and fear color much of those moments for me (I don't plan to go into just how hard it was in this post, but I am totally open to emailing or talking with you if you are interested or going through this!)

at home... so glad they had each other

 And now, five years later, tonight I had the most beautiful gift.  Friends had been over and Meski seemed to be wearing down.  Her throat stated to hurt and then, after her friend left the house, she broke down in tears.  Her ear hurt and she felt so sad and so sick.  I cuddled with her in her bed.  I stroked her forehead, rubbed her back and watched her body relax.  Her breathing deepened.  Five years ago, or 1,825 nights ago I doubted we'd ever have these moments.  Tonight I reflected on the early months together when I'd sneak into her room at night to hold her or kiss her while she slept.  I'd pray for her and I'd cry for her hurting heart that had so many losses at such a tender age.  And I'd wonder why I got the great privilege to be her mom... and I'd cry for the woman who was her mom before I ever was but who didn't get to sit there holding this precious little girl.  And tonight, the tears once again fell as something in me filled my heart with such a fullness and such love for my little daughter... and the prayers went out for the hearts across the ocean who ache and miss this sweet little girl and her precious little brother.

My refuge

On the steps to my sanctuary were a reminder that I am loved, protected and that I can rest under His wings....

"In the shelter of your presence you hide them" Psalm 31:20

"He will cover you with His feathers,and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, not the plague that destroys midday." Psalm 91:4-6

"Show me the wonders of your great love,  you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes.  Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings from the wicked who are out to destroy me, from my mortal enemies who surround me." Psalm 17:7-9

Feathers of Grace and Comfort

My thoughts swirl,
like the wind
never stopping long enough to be recorded on a page.
to never be completed
only added to.
     I did that wrong.
          I missed that chance.
               I should have done that
and on they go,
beating me down,
reducing me to the dust that gets swept away in the wind.
The chaos stirs
my words-
     too loud,
          too fast,
my heart it hurts when I cause the pain
but sometimes still the words will ring

then rolling in like a tumble weed are the things I care about,
the ones I need
The memories of loved ones no longer here
or loved ones 
who won't draw near.
The longings,
     dreaming
          sometimes done.
Is hope enough to think the wind will slow enough
for my heart to be heard?

Then gently, slowly they start to fall.
single tiny stars,
others clustered like white, downy feathers
     clinging together
          falling like grace.
Landing on me and making me new
Covering the world like a soft warm blanket
stilling the wind that rushes me around

In the stillness,
silenced by the white
I am not alone.
You will never leave me
you know me by name
And the snowflakes land softly,
united like a heart,
I am your beloved.



 I was sitting in our new hot tub this morning.  Thoughts were swirling.  It had just been 2 days since the two year anniversary of my dad's passing from this life, my friend's mom passed away the same day, our friend's son had gone to glory, we had gone to a funeral to say goodbye to a family member of Linc's and at the same time a 9 year old girl's short life was being celebrated, leaving her family to figure out life without her sparkle and life in their home.  My thoughts jumped over to our friends whose daughter has been sick since the start of summer and how it has affected her and each of them. And, swirled in were thoughts that  reminded me that some of my words yesterday were more harsh then loving when I gave in to frustration and weariness.  And as the wind picked up, I ducked down lower into the relaxing warm water in the hot tub so I wouldn't feel the cold on my neck.  Suddenly, small sparkly snow flakes began to fall.  They were tossed around by the wind until suddenly the whole air was full of flakes that had joined together into clusters that looked like downy feathers.  They fell slowly and silently.  They landed on my skin, melting.  They were amazing, perfectly formed and beautiful.  They rained down like grace, reminding me that even when I don't have it all together I have the One who will equip me.  One fell on the side of the tub, resting momentarily in the shape of a perfect, 3D heart before melting.  I was overcome with the reminder that I am loved.  The words "I am not alone" played over and over in my head.  And I was reminded about the verse where it talks about being covered by feathers:

"He will shield you with his wings.

He will shelter you with his feathers."

Psalm 91:4a

And so I sat there, tears mixing with the snowflakes.  Peaceful.  Loved.  Forgiven.   And encouraged to face the day under the shadow of his wings. 

He's Bananas About Me

I decided to steal a blog-post from my other blog because it is a reminder of how loved I am.  This is from December 2013.  My back and shoulders were sore and I was feeling uptight about going grocery shopping.  Not sure what was going on but as I told Linc, he began to fix the problem give suggestions as to what could be done to ease my anxieties.  Not sure if it was the thought of spending more money or of pushing the cart through the snow without hurting my back/neck/shoulders more, but we talked and prayed about it.  Linc suggested I either leave my cart outside the store and drive my van up to the no-parking zone and load the groceries in or I ask someone to help me push it to the van.  That evening I decided to pray for sales at the store, especially the bananas (every time I pray about this, God provides bananas at half price).  So the next morning I got ready and decide to beat the winter snowstorm and head off to superstore.  As I pull up, a car drives out of the parking place closest to the door so I take that spot (answer #1, I am parked right at the door!).  I get into the store and find most of my items are one sale or are on sale and I get extra points on my card for them!  However, when I get to the discount produce place, I don't find any bananas.  I go to the banana section and see all the regular priced bananas.  I kind of stood there, asking why they weren't on sale, when I turned and there was a huge stack of bananas- all on 50% off.  I had to smile.  What a sign of being cared for- it may seem insignificant to some, but I got quite excited by this!  So I continued on-the bread my kids like was on sale plus had bonus points (points = more cash to spend on another shopping trip!), the parchment paper was on sale, the flour was on sale and so on...  I filled my cart, fitting everything in like a puzzle and went to pay.  I was able to use points to pay for $230 of the $234 of groceries.  I then asked about the free offer, and learned that if I spent $250 I got a free turkey, so off I went to buy 2 of the items I'd forgotten from my list, used points for $20 and paid $2 something and got a free $28 turkey!  I was feeling pretty blessed and cared for at this point, paying so little for a cart full of food- so full that as I left the store, my taco chips and paper towels started to blow off my cart.  At this point, my friend, Rachel appears, on her way into the store.  She offers to help and pulls my cart to my van- yup- yet another answer to our prayer for help at the store.    Coincidence?  I don't believe so.  Just one of the many ways God shows up in my everyday life and takes care of me.  A whisper of love.
I love seeing God's hand at work, making things happen that if I don't take time to step back and acknowledge, I think just happened.  I need to keep recording these situations to remind myself that I have the help of a mountain moving, miracle working God.   I don't believe in coincidence.  Things happen because of choices we make but also because of requests we make to God and because of the great love God has for us and that He wants to bless us as we enter into relationship with him.

 *****

I continue to pray about sales and good deals before I go shopping.  This week I went shopping during the afternoon at a time when I hadn't planned to go.  So as I was walking though the store, I was talking with God, telling Him that even though I hadn't asked him earlier for some sales, they would still help with cutting the bill for feeding 6 plus people.  As I came to the produce area, I didn't find anything useful on the discount shelves.  However, as I took a few more steps, chatting with Him about how I know that I am still loved even if there wouldn't be any discounted foods, I found a bag of oranges with the discount sticker just sitting there on a pile of squashes!  I added it to my cart.  When I got to the bananas, I was about to buy the regular priced ones when I noticed the produce guy was emptying bananas from boxes onto the shelves.  I noticed a pile of bananas beside him so I asked about the pile of bananas and he told me they would be for 1/2 price and started bagging them for me.  After the first 4 bags, I offered to finish bagging them myself and even gave a bag to a friend who came by!  Once again, I left the store smiling, reminded that I am loved. 

Beloved, Be Loved.

I was listening to music while cleaning in the kitchen.  The song "Be Loved" by Christy Nockels came on and I felt the need to stop what I was doing and let the words wash over me.  I was brought to tears as I let the worries of the day, the pain and things that aren't perfect fade away.  I feel so refreshed, so alive.  I am His Beloved.  Maybe, like me, you need to hear these Truths today today:

 You are loved.  You are not alone.  You are treasured.  You matter to the one who created you.  He longs to dance with you.  He longs to hold you and let you rest in His embrace.  Will you let yourself be loved today? 

The words are as follows:

Be Loved

have you ever let yourself be loved by the one who made you
have you ever told your soul to believe that his heart is on your side
you could even try to run away but there is nothing you can do
so just be loved, be loved, he loves you
just be loved, be loved, he loves you

have you ever let yourself be held by the one who holds this world
have you ever told your soul to rejoice that his arms are open wide
you could even try to run away but he’d come running after you
so just be held, be held, he holds you
just be held, be held, he holds you

we didn’t earn it, he just chose to give it, and its in our resting that we rise up singing rejoice, again I say rejoice
rejoice, again I say rejoice

you are loved, be loved, he loves you
you are loved, be loved, he loves you

you are loved, be loved, he loves you
just be loved, be loved, he loves you
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/christy-nockels/be-loved-lyrics/#81OM3WeTRRfhlXqV.99

Hope When the Leaves Fall

As the air grows cold and the sun is hidden behind the clouds it brings a sense of weariness. I am tired.  Sore.  Worn out and in need of renewal.  I am tired of being strong, of doing extra to keep our household afloat.  Since summer I've been running, not taking the time to rest.  Not taking the time to release.  Not taking the time to soak in grace.  I have enjoyed the strength that has been building in my body, some days even forgetting the pain that fibromyalgia brings.  But after going away to the Whiteshell for the week and beginning to relax, it's like my defenses came down.  I began to rest.  To be free of doing, free of all I've been carrying since Linc's accident.  And with that release, my body seemed to crash.

On Monday, the weather changed, and with it, my muscles began to seize and the all too familiar pain began to encase my body.  Like a cage it traps me.  Fears rise, like gophers in a field, popping up.  My mind automatically begins to calculate how many months until these prairie lands will thaw again, and with that the spasms in my muscles will stop.  The cold lasts too long.  Pain is dark and lonely and I find myself dreading it.  The wind has begun to blow, leaves being stripped from trees and the colored beauty tossed to the ground carelessly.  My body stiffens as if frozen.  On Friday Linc and I took the afternoon to go for a walk.  We sought shelter from the wind in trails through the bush.  In places, the wind felt cold and miserable but as we walked along, we found open spaces where the sun shone down, bringing warmth, coaxing my body to relax.

 We sat on the side of the trail, drinking in the sunlight.  The cold wind blew above the trees but I felt the warm whispers of Hope around me.  The truth of grace began to stir and love covered me.  I was reminded that the One who loves me is always with me and He is bringing healing to me.  I am captivated by His beauty.  I am lost when I look into the eyes of Jesus.  I find rest when I let go and wait in His arms.  And even if the pain in my body continues, my eyes are fixed beyond me,  beyond the pain of now and on the One who loves me with a love so deep.  It washes over me.  It carries me through the nights and the days.  And I am filled with hope, that even when the leaves fall, I am not alone.

And As I typed this, I was reminded of the song I heard the other day, which stripped away the layers and brought me Hope and reminded me of the Truth:

 (Sinking Deep by Hillsong United)

Adventures In The Outdoors

Water is quietly lapping against the shore. The sun dances across the lake. White bark shines between golden and red leaves. Three of our kids are attempting to manoeuvre a canoe along the shoreline- excitement, the unknown, yelling, bickering and tears come from the green boat, creating enough energy to carry them a ways out and back in. Another child is perched on the top of the water slide, casting his rod, hoping to catch an unsuspecting fish. The sun is warm but tinged with the smell of fall. Leaves slowly drop silently from the trees, as if lazy and content to let go and gather on the ground after the summer. There are no schedules. No lawn to mow. No school agendas to sign. No phones to answer. No to-do list, other than to relax, to drink coffee, to eat, to laugh, to rest, to enjoy the scenery and to be together as a family.

After a summer that took a different turn when Linc had his bike accident, we decided to book a get-away in the Whiteshell and get away from the walls we've been staring at in our house. We are in a gorgeous cabin on the south side of Falcon Lake. After a bit of searching online, we found our cabin with an outdoor hot-tub, a large fireplace with a beautiful lake view. Our van was loaded with food, clothing, books and crafts. Oh, and each other. Our plans were to escape the daily routine and doctor appointments, to absorb the last bits of the summer warmth left in the sun and to enjoy the beauty in the woods coloured with autumn glory. Resting and relaxing; the perfect thing to help with Linc's healing and give us all a retreat. And should I be as honest as to add that the wonderful canoeing adventure I started to describe ended after a few paddles splashed and angry words rang out over the lake about someone never paddling and about one wanting to smack the other over the head with their paddle...

As I continue to type between visiting with my family, Jaydi has just completed a solo canoe trip back and forth on the shore (or getting lost at sea as she claims), I heard the loudest splash and looked up to see Linc pulling Paulos (and his rod) out of the water and back onto the dock.- no questions needed as to why we insisted he wear his life jacket when by the water. And moments later we hear an excited screech as Tristan loses his balance and slides from his fishing perch on the slide to be rescued just before hitting the water. I have been told that you can experience peace in the midst of chaos, and as these moments happen, memories are made and stories about the adventures begin to take shape.  The water continues to lap gently along the shore, creating a sense of stillness. A comforting background noise to the life lived out loud in front of me.

And as Meski wrote in her diary yesterday;”...and then we are going to start another day. We had FUN.”