Birthday Reminders

Today is a day that I kind of dance around in my head  I know it is coming, but think I can avoid it if I pretend it isn't coming.  I don't know whether to anticipate it or dread it.  It's my dad's birthday.  And it's the second one without him here on earth.  It's another one of those days where I miss him and don't know how to expect myself to feel or how I will feel.  I know I shouldn't put the pressure on myself, but even as I try to release it, I still dance around it.

I woke up this morning feeling anxious and felt a need for peace.  I know that real peace does not come from within me, but from The Lord, who is Peace himself.   1Thessalonians 3:16 it reads: "Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you".  As a Christ follower, I am never without peace, but I do need to choose to receive it.  I don't need to dread this day- I can rest in the peace that covers me.

I began to journal in hopes of collecting my thoughts and making sense of them.  I poured out my heart, my pain over not having dad here to celebrate with.  I also included the frustration I was feeling from my sore back (muscle spasms).  And as I wrote, I realized a song was playing in the background about God's love and I was reminded that I am His beloved.  As I wrote, I remembered that God is for me.  I will never be left alone  Nothing can separate me from his love  I am weak but God and His joy are my strength.  I was reminded that these pains and troubles that I have are temporary.
The pain in my body feels like I'm stuck in a cage.  It binds me.  It locks me within the walls of my skin.  I long for the door to be opened and the muscles to release and the pain to dissolve away pain and set me free.

I later read 2 Corinthians 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what  is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal".  These were the words my soul was crying out for.  The hope of the eternal.  The desire to see the unseen.  The encouragement to keep going, to not give in to the dark hopelessness.  That something much much better to come than the pain and sadness this world offers. 

I read on in 2 Corinthians chapter five about how our bodies ache and groan as we wait for our eternal heavenly home.  I am not at home here and I am so thankful for the gift of the Holy Spirit who secures what is to come.  And deep within me I long for what is coming. 

And so, I faced my day knowing I was not alone, I was loved and that better things were to come. I also let the tears flow as memories of my dad played through my mind.  I was filled with the deep ache of missing him, but I was also soothed with the memory of being loved by him. 

And one day... one day we will meet again.  I have the feeling that eternity worshiping our great creator will outweigh the pain of missing my dad, but right now it feels like we never got enough time together. 

And so I grab hold of the peace that covers me, I press on, longing for the day that my earthly body will fade away and I look forward to the celebration that is to come.

Full House

I love our little house.  Recently I was convicted of wanting a bigger house, a neater house, a cleaner house.  I was hearing comments that were lies- that my house wasn't enough.  That the mess was too much.  And that the noise was chaotic.  The message was: get in control!  And that message made anxious feelings try to surface so I stepped back and opened my eyes to the Truth.

We recently had a group of around fifteen grade 7 and 8 teenagers over for an event.  I couldn't believe how quickly those bodies filled the space!  I came home after they had arrived from a massage- with greasy hair and rings around my face from the massage bed.  The garage was overflowing with BMX and other bikes (not surprising since it tends to be full with just our family's).  The front lawn had backpacks and oddly mowed patches (the kids wanted to use our "cool" reel mowers- and who can refuse someone who wants to mow!).  The lawn that wasn't in odd patches was bushy and in need of a mow- which was how the whole backyard was.  But as I went into the backyard, it wasn't the shaggy lawn and weeds that I saw, but teenagers- having fun.  They were relaxing on the deck drinking iced tea, jumping on the trampoline, trying to play bocci in the jungle and having fun being together.  I saw a group of teens that we got to love on that day.
And as I sat down that evening, I text-ed my sister about my thoughts.  The text went something like this:

This is life.  Let love fill our homes, over flowing into the yard and down the street (I can learn from the dandelions- they flower and let their seeds go and cover ground pretty quickly!).  May the chaos of kids become beautiful music.  May the unordered and rough housing become like the way Jesus dances over and around us.  May memories be built.  May freedom and acceptance flood out control and differences.  May our families extend to those around us.  May we live a life were praises and hallelujahs seep into our every moment.  May I stop judging, trying to control and look like I have it together.  Jesus is more than enough.  His love covers us, His Holy Spirit frees us and He moves us to love on others.  And may our eyes be focused on the unseen as His glory fills us and His mercy washes away sins.  May we live life together with other people, who like us, are broken people who fall at the feet of Jesus to become whole  A new people.  A freed community of people connected and cared for.  Freedom is given so we are not bound to/by the sins of the past.  My house isn't very big according to North American standards, but it is a treasure to have a home.  And it is a gift to have our four children grow up in our home with us.  Summer holidays are coming and soon our house will be filled with noises and bodies as we come and go and invite friends in to join us.

So go- walk in light loving those around you as Jesus has called us.  Living in our little homes that are exploding with God's richest blessings.  We are loved by the One who is love. Invite others in.  Live in community.  And bless as you are blessed. 

My Daddy

Once again, Father's day is approaching.  It's my second father's day without my dad here to celebrate.  I hate that the time makes it harder to remember his voice, although I still find myself wondering if it's him on the phone when it rings in the evening.  I think about memories from growing up on the farm with my dad.  He taught me so much- from finding beautiful in the world around, to changing brakes on my car, to memorizing 1Corinthinas 13, the "love" chapter when I was confined to the family car for too long on family vacations, to appreciating the open wide prairies and the gentle gurgle of a stream.  My dad was a strong man.  He worked hard.  He provided for us.  He was a farmer who grew crops and he taught me to care for new trees in a shelter belt and to adore the golden sunset on ripe field of wheat in harvest.

    

As I reflect, I see how when a loved one passes away, there is a tendency to almost put them on a pillar or saint them.  All the things we will miss come to the surface in the pain of grieving.  As time goes by, I have come to see patterns or occurrences that weren't perfect but have shaped who I am or my life in some way.  My dad was not a perfect man but in the end, he did what was right.  As the disease of pulmonary fibrosis  took over more of his body, his breathing became labored even with the extra oxygen and his health deteriorated.  In the last months we visited often.  We drove the 2 hours almost ever week.  We took all the time we could to absorb and make memories.  It was during these times that Dad really took the time to be with us and speak into our lives.  Growing up, I longed to hear him say the world "I love you" but he showed us his love through providing for us and taking us on family trips.  Several years back, things began to change and he began to voice the words to me that I needed to hear.  In the end, Dad spoke these words with sincerity and with a strength, wanting me to know I was loved.

When his strength no longer allowed him to work on the farm and he could no longer use his hands to fix things, instead he would sit with us outside or in the family room.  We would play games, talk, and just be together.  He spent a lot of time racing remote controlled monster trucks and flying remote controlled helicopters with my kids.

 My dad asked my older children about their dreams.  He shared how his to be a police officer died when together with my mom he decided it was best to raise their family on a farm on the open prairies instead of in a busy city.   He told them his dreams, hopes and prayers were that they would love Jesus and follow God with their whole heart.

One visit nearing the end of time that we'd get together, Dad pulled me onto his lap and spoke into my life in a way that changed our relationship.  He asked me to forgive him where he failed me and where he may have wronged me.  In turn I was able to ask for forgiveness.  It was a holy moment.  One that is hard to share because it is so deeply personal.  It is also so reflective of our heavenly father- who longs to pull us close on his lap and forgive us.  Our relationship changed at that point.  There was a fresh new start as old sins and issues were gone.

In the last days of our time together, Dad would  open his eyes and gaze at me with a pleased loving look.  He would often ask about the banquet table or with an eager look say I had made it too- he was thinking we were both in heaven and he was so proud that I too had come.  It was hard when he'd realize he was still in his disease racked body, not in heaven quite yet.  One day, dad, I'm coming to visit with you when I get to glory!

And so, as father's day approaches, and my heart hurts that my earthly dad isn't here, I was reminded this year that I know where he is.  Even though my dad wasn't perfect, I know we made things right.   I'd give almost anything to hear his voice and look into his blue eyes, but I know that I have not been abandoned and left alone.  In the Bible in Psalms 68:5 it says "A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows is God in his holy dwelling".  As I read the Bible I see a pattern through the scriptures that God loves.  He loves the orphans and the fatherless.   He rescues.  He delivers.  He saves. And He loves. 


I have also been given the gift of another earthly father, Linc's dad.   I so appreciate the time he takes when he stops at our place or when we go to theirs.  He makes time for a hug and to make me feel special.   He blesses our family and takes time to ask about what we are doing or show us something he has discovered.  He takes time for each of our children and plays an important role in their lives.   He does not attempt to take the place of my dad, but he walks alongside and I am reminded that I have not been left fatherless.  

At times when my heart has been grieving deeply and when I feel alone, abandoned, and fatherless, I have heard the words "I will not leave you as an orphan".  Those words are found in John 14:18, where it reads " I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."  He calls me to trust Him, to rest in Him.  To let Him fill those hurts, to leave my scars open for him to heal as He comes to me.  Sometimes when I go to Him, I expect rebuke and scorn for failing in so many areas, for not loving or for being selfish, but whenever I look into His eyes, I only see love and acceptance.  And as I lock gaze with him, we slowly being to dance.  Some days we dance slowly.  Other days I twirl and leap gracefully around him, being energized by his loving gaze that never leaves me.  Other times, I come to Him broken, weak and tired and He dances before me, showing me that I am his beloved child, drawing me into his embrace.


I hold onto the promise that I have not been left abandoned.   I have been told coldly that my earthly dad is dead and gone.  I have been told that my dad is around me, seen in the people and things that surround me.  But I believe my dad is in fact more alive and whole then ever, rejoicing in heaven and that one day we will be united again.  And as I go through life, moment by moment, day by day, Jesus who is my Daddy in Heaven is caring for me and loving me.  I have not been left alone.  I have my great comforter who will never leave me. 

You are His Beloved

I had the privileged of speaking to a group of parents at our church who all have children that are three and four years old.   They were given the book "The 5 Love Languages" and I was asked to introduce it and share for about 15 minutes.  Since I always write out my ideas before speaking and I have been asked by a few parents who were unable to come what I talked about, I decided to share the notes I wrote here with you.  I didn't share this word for word and may have added or subtracted things along the way, but here is an idea of what I shared on Sunday:

I began by introducing myself and continued on to say that I have 4 kids, all of whom at one time were aged 3 and 4 like your kids. Now they are finishing grade 7, grade 4, grade 2 and grade 1. As I was praying about what to talk about this morning, I was led down a trail of memories of life when my kids were 3 and 4 years old. 3 and 4 year old are busy, They are smart, They test you, they take tantrums to the next level and they expect the world to revolve around them. Their smile lights up a room, their enthusiasm is contagious, their hugs rejuvenate, and a child who has not lived a life with trauma, has raw emotions and not hidden by sarcasm or hardness. They can stop to watch an army of ants that we never saw as we rush to our next appointment and they can also dart away with such speed that it's really hard to find them in a store full of racks of clothing or here at church in the foyer! A three and 4 year old can also model what we are called to do with our heavenly father when they crawl onto our laps and rest against us, feeling safe and secure. We can learn a lot from our 3 and 4 year olds. I also find that some days I was learning more about myself and I didn't always like what I saw when I was exhausted, when I was done with being asked why, when my patience was finished or I just felt I wanted a bit of life to be about me and what I needed.

Our family dynamics are a bit different then some of yours. Our youngest two joined our family when they were 3 and 4 years old as tiny, scared children who needed a family. Even though just 4 years ago they wore 12 month clothing and weighed 21 and 23 pounds, since they didn't arrive as babies and they were mobile. We adopted them from Ethiopia and they weren’t asked if they wanted to be uprooted from everything they knew to come with us. They didn't know us, our language, our food, our never ending winters, or anything about the way our family worked. They had experienced trauma and loss that I will never understand. Yet God had this amazing plan to bring them to our family here in Manitoba. We had days and months of screaming and raging that would last up to 7 hours where things would be torn apart, there was kicking, screaming, peeing, spitting and much more as these terrified little people tried to figure out life and couldn't express the deep grieving they were going through. As time went on, language skills grew and they matured developmentally and we were able to communicate verbally. Sometimes we would just hold our screaming child, crying along with them, wondering how these little ones or any of our family would ever heal. Today, you see our happy and growing children, filled with smiles and joy. They have tools to use to communicate instead of needing to scream for hours at a time. And we have learned ways to speak and discipline so they no longer go into flights mode so quickly and they also shut down and tune out a lot less. They are healing and growing in love. They still carry wounds that they will grieve, but they now have food, medical care, love, security, a family and Jesus who is their Lord, their saviour and their healer.

And, as we all know, kids don't stay 3 and 4 years old. Some days that's a very good thing, but back when I made time to scrapbook, I remember scrapbooking pages at each age and stage and often including pages that used the word “stop” or freeze” or stay- just stay little a bit longer, slow down, you're growing up too fast, stay where you are because the world can be a big scary place and right now I can keep you safe.

Each of our children are at different ages and stages but more so, each of our children are unique individuals who express themselves differently, have different needs and who crave attention and love in different ways. Gary Chapman who has written several books, including the 5 love languages of children that you will each be receiving today does a great job at teaching us ways to love each child to meet their individual needs. This book helps us understand how to learn what love language your child uses and how you can speak into their life and connect with them effectively. Since you are getting this book, I don't want to provide you with a book report, but rather encourage you to take the time to read it and to find ways to speak your child's love language.

Each of us and our children are emotional beings. We laugh, we cry, we get angry, we love, we hate, we get scared – we feel. We have several emotional needs that need to be met in order to feel secure and significant. Each of your children need to know they are loved different ways. Each of them also communicates love differently.

When we speak our child's love language or when we connect with them on a level where they feel secure, loved, cared for and treasured, I like to call it filling their love tank. Others call it their emotional tank. Children need these tanks to be filled in order to reach their full potential.

Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist who co-wrote the 5 love languages book says that “Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank.’”

When I do something unique and special for them or just spend some quality time with them, I can tell that their love tank is filled. They are happier and more content. As you read this book, Gary and Ross emphasize the importance of filling up our children’s love tanks because when they are full with love, their chemistry is balanced with calming hormones – in particular oxytocin, the love hormone and endorphins ( a mix of feel good hormones). When their love tank is full they will be happy and this will in turn make you happy. They will be able to play without demanding, whining or doing things to simply get your attention.

As parents, we need to be aware of how each of our children's tanks get filled. We need to become their biggest cheerleader. If we don’t speak into their lives and fill these tanks, someone else will. Recently one of our pastor's Dan Doerksen posted the following quote by A. Price on facebook: “Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry.” What a clear picture this gives us. It really made me think. And I replied that “when we decided we wanted to start a family, I had no idea that having a baby meant not just raising a baby but raising adults. I didn't know it could be so hard to be my child's biggest cheerleader on days where I couldn't think of much to cheer them on about. I had no idea it would involve such a deep level of trust in my Lord to keep reaching into their lives on some days. I am learning to celebrate the little things as well as the big things. And as I choose to love my children and speak Life and Truth into their lives in ways that fill their emotional tank or bucket, I see a different child then on the days that I don't. Being a parent is a huge job. What a blessing to have a heavenly father who loves us not for how or what we do but because of who we are. Remembering that I am His beloved and acknowledging that love enables me to love my children.”

I found myself thinking about how big a job it is to be a parent. We need to learn how to fill each of our kids' emotional tanks. but how are we to love our kids the way we as parents are called to and created to if we don't even know who we are and whos we are and how loved we are? How are we to love our kids when our own emotional tank isn't being filled? The need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires, but our spouses are human and I don't believe they were created to truly meet all our needs. I believe that as a team, we can speak into each other's lives in ways that do fill each others tanks, but ultimately, our true significance and source of Life comes from Jesus. I don't know if each of you here this morning will agree with this, nor do I know if each of you have experienced just how great and how amazing God's love is for you,

Take a moment to think about who or what do you go to today to have your love tank filled. Maybe some of you aren't feeling it today, but You are loved. As I prepared for this morning that message just came back over and over. Tell them they are loved.

I have the honor of being a “stay at home mom” and now that my kids are all in school full time, I even have hours in my day where I no longer have interruptions, no longer have the opportunity to sneak off to the park or--- and I find I can actually make time for quiet time with my heavenly father. I have found myself drawn more and more to worshipping my daddy through music and songs. I have been learning a lot about who I am and how loved I truly am. One day I was given a vision of me, bowing down before Jesus. We were in his majestic throne room- it was filled with brilliant light, there were angels, there was this immense room that just went on forever, and I was alone with Jesus. I fell before him, and lay there, speechless, in awe and submission. As I lay there, Jesus arose from his throne, he stepped down and walked over to me. He reached down and lifted my face to look at him. He wiped my tears and as he gazed into my eyes, I knew he could read every thought I had ever had. I didn't expect the tenderness and mercy that I saw when I let my eyes look at his eyes. And as he gently held me, he spoke in a voice that was tender yet full of passion these words: he said” You are my beloved”. I was worshiping our king, our creator God, our risen savior, and He, in all His glory and power stepped down and called my his beloved child. And as I sat there, reflecting on this, letting those words absorb deep inside me to the places that needed to hear these words, I was overwhelmed. Each of us are His beloved. We don't need to do more, We don't need to stop yelling, although i believe He can help us stop, we don't need to have a clean organized house, we don't need promotions, or enough money saved to take our kids to Disney, we don't need to have kids who are dry all day and night, we don't need to eat the most healthy foods or turn our bodies into amazing muscle machines, we don't need our hair done right or our kids dressed in pants that actually reach their ankles or even wearing socks without holes. We don't need to have it all together. We are loved. Each one of you is loved. You each are His beloved child.

Just this week I heard about an adult woman who had received a phone call from a significant person in her life and I have permission to share about her experience. She had been waiting years for this older woman to speak into her life. She answered the phone, allowing her heart to hope that just maybe today was the day this person would try to connect with her and really listen to her. After their greetings, the phone call continued like it did most times in the past. The older woman who called began to complain about things, to tell the other woman about what she said and did for all these people with big problems, then went on without pausing to share about a friend that was sick. There woman waited for her to ask her about how she was doing, to be asked about her day, to be taken interest in. Finally she found a quiet moment in the conversation and quickly began to tell this other woman what she had been up to with her son the day before. Unfortunately, the older woman interrupted with yet another unrelated story about a family who was under stress form the weather and farming. She then abruptly ended the phone call telling her she was busy and concluded with the following words “I'll talk to you another day”. The woman sat there holding the phone after the other woman hung up. She broke into tears. She told me how she felt so alone, unloved, and orphaned. Nothing she tried to say was heard, anything she tried to share was interrupted with a story about what this person was doing or many other people’s problems. She wanted to share the joy of being with her son. But more so she wanted to be heard, be cared for and connect with this woman. She continued with her story. As she sat there, she realized she had 2 choices. She could feel abandoned, alone, and the intense pain and longing to be loved that is within her, or she could turn to the One who will fill her tank. She choose to spent time in prayer, reflecting on how loved she is, and how Jesus said He would never leave her as an orphan and her thoughts changed as she was reminded about the other women who do speak life into her and she began to feel renewed.

“Yahweh your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His Love. He will rejoice or dance over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 “rejoice over you” – literally means “dance, skip, leap, and spin around in joy.” God dances with shouts of joy over us! He sings over us, His beloved children. He longs for us to take the time to be with Him. In the Bible, in John 13:25, like John who laid his head against Jesus' chest, He wants us to climb onto His lap and hear His heart beating in love for us. His love totally amazes me!

You can never do anything to make Him love you more and you can never do anything to make Him love you less!

And I don't know how this makes you feel, but it totally wows me. I find it so freeing. As we begin to see how loved we are, we fall more in love with Jesus. Jesus wants to forgive you. As far as the east is from the west! He wants a relationship with us, but we need to accept Him. I know each of you are in a place where it's hard to find any moments to yourself, but as we make time to read the Bible and talk with Jesus we begin to change and transform. I fill my home with worship music and find my thoughts go away from my troubles and turn to praise God. As we we begin to see how loved we are, it is out of that love that we will learn to love our spouses and our children and then we love others outside of our home. We can't do the love tank filling well enough on our own, but when we are drawing near t God and being transformed, he will meet our needs and we pray and trust him to meet the needs of our kids. He will also enable us to do more than we could ask or imagine.

At the back of the book are some games and quizzes for helping determine your child's love languages. I'm going to give a summary of the Five Love Languages of Children as found in this book. Think about your children or yourself as I read them:

language 1. Physical Touch: To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
 Your child may like to:
Receive kisses and cuddles, need to be holding hands, loves physical activity such as play fighting or wrestling and enjoys climbing your lap.
Ways you can help foster this love language:
Hug often, give out loads of kisses, hold your child’s hand, sit closely on the couch, stroke your child’s hair at bed time or simply lay close with a hand on them until they fall asleep, tickle, play rough and tumble, play games that require touch, i.e. action songs, chasing games.
Language 2.Affirmation of Words: This language uses words to affirm other
 Your child may like to:
Receive positive feedback through words, i.e. “You are doing a great job”. “You are such a great helper”, “Wow! You are so brave, well done”. “I am so proud of you”.
Ways you can help foster this love language:
Remind your child how much you love them through positive reinforcement. This can be done through the use of compliments, praise, leaving messages in their lunchbox, writing notes/letters.

Language 3 Quality Time: This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.

Your child may like to:
Spend one on one time with you, watching a movie, playing a game, reading a book (or simply a preferred activity). They will try to gain your undivided attention and has a desire to sit close to you whilst they are playing.
Ways you can help foster this love language:
Organise one on one time together throughout the week or a special time over the weekend. Pay close attention to what they are saying or requesting and acknowledge what you have heard. If possible create a routine of specific time you spend together, i.e. bedtime routine, special events, eating meals together.

 language 4. Receiving Gifts:  For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.
 Your child may like to:
Receive gifts, treats, and favourite foods as it makes them feel good about themselves. They enjoy surprises and also giving presents to others is important to them.
Ways you can help foster this love language:
Cook their favourite meal, give your child inexpensive gifts such as flowers from the garden, organise treasure hunts, organise surprise parties, allow the earning of treats (sticker chart).

language 5. Acts of Service : For these people, actions  speak louder than words.
 Your child may like to:  
Have help completing tasks. They enjoy help with chores, homework, cooking.
Ways you can help foster this love language:
Have a set time where you can assist in completing homework each night, organise chores around the house that can be done in pairs, teach them how they can share acts of service with others, ie. Making simple snacks for others.

We each have a different way that we show others love.  We each have our own love language through which we feel loved.  Our kids are created uniquely. They too have their own love languages.  We can love them more fully when we learn what makes them feel loved, connected and secure.  Our hope and prayer is that this book will help you as families connect and love each other more.

The Beating of His Heart

Today I'm off to the hospital with Trixtar to get his 24 hour heart monitor. It's a routine, annual test to observe his heart murmur and irregular heart beat he developed after an undiagnosed strep infection a few years back. I am feeling excited to hear his heart beat again- a reminder that he is alive. The sound of a heart beat reflects the love of our creator Father and the irregular heart beat is just another thing that shows that God has a unique, life changing plan for Trixtar's life. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the joy and the expectation of what 's to come and of the unseen that is already happening in his life now.

Before Trixtar was born, he was prayed for.  When Trixtar was born, he was celebrated.  At two days old he developed a heart condition and was prayed over and received healing.  He was also given words for his life about serving God with his heart and being a man after God's heart.  Trixtar displays a heart that is soft and gentle.  He cares for others and has a deep love for God.  I hope that he will learn how to take time to sit and listen to the heart beat of his heavenly father.   I believe God is up to something big in him.  He has called him to stand for him.