Once again, Father's day is approaching. It's my second father's day without my dad here to celebrate. I hate that the time makes it harder to remember his voice, although I still find myself wondering if it's him on the phone when it rings in the evening. I think about memories from growing up on the farm with my dad. He taught me so much- from finding beautiful in the world around, to changing brakes on my car, to memorizing 1Corinthinas 13, the "love" chapter when I was confined to the family car for too long on family vacations, to appreciating the open wide prairies and the gentle gurgle of a stream. My dad was a strong man. He worked hard. He provided for us. He was a farmer who grew crops and he taught me to care for new trees in a shelter belt and to adore the golden sunset on ripe field of wheat in harvest.
As I reflect, I see how when a loved one passes away, there is a tendency to almost put them on a pillar or saint them. All the things we will miss come to the surface in the pain of grieving. As time goes by, I have come to see patterns or occurrences that weren't perfect but have shaped who I am or my life in some way. My dad was not a perfect man but in the end, he did what was right. As the disease of pulmonary fibrosis took over more of his body, his breathing became labored even with the extra oxygen and his health deteriorated. In the last months we visited often. We drove the 2 hours almost ever week. We took all the time we could to absorb and make memories. It was during these times that Dad really took the time to be with us and speak into our lives. Growing up, I longed to hear him say the world "I love you" but he showed us his love through providing for us and taking us on family trips. Several years back, things began to change and he began to voice the words to me that I needed to hear. In the end, Dad spoke these words with sincerity and with a strength, wanting me to know I was loved.
When his strength no longer allowed him to work on the farm and he could no longer use his hands to fix things, instead he would sit with us outside or in the family room. We would play games, talk, and just be together. He spent a lot of time racing remote controlled monster trucks and flying remote controlled helicopters with my kids.
My dad asked my older children about their dreams. He shared how his to be a police officer died when together with my mom he decided it was best to raise their family on a farm on the open prairies instead of in a busy city. He told them his dreams, hopes and prayers were that they would love Jesus and follow God with their whole heart.
One visit nearing the end of time that we'd get together, Dad pulled me onto his lap and spoke into my life in a way that changed our relationship. He asked me to forgive him where he failed me and where he may have wronged me. In turn I was able to ask for forgiveness. It was a holy moment. One that is hard to share because it is so deeply personal. It is also so reflective of our heavenly father- who longs to pull us close on his lap and forgive us. Our relationship changed at that point. There was a fresh new start as old sins and issues were gone.
In the last days of our time together, Dad would open his eyes and gaze at me with a pleased loving look. He would often ask about the banquet table or with an eager look say I had made it too- he was thinking we were both in heaven and he was so proud that I too had come. It was hard when he'd realize he was still in his disease racked body, not in heaven quite yet. One day, dad, I'm coming to visit with you when I get to glory!
And so, as father's day approaches, and my heart hurts that my earthly dad isn't here, I was reminded this year that I know where he is. Even though my dad wasn't perfect, I know we made things right. I'd give almost anything to hear his voice and look into his blue eyes, but I know that I have not been abandoned and left alone. In the Bible in Psalms 68:5 it says "A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows is God in his holy dwelling". As I read the Bible I see a pattern through the scriptures that God loves. He loves the orphans and the fatherless. He rescues. He delivers. He saves. And He loves.
I have also been given the gift of another earthly father, Linc's dad. I so appreciate the time he takes when he stops at our place or when we go to theirs. He makes time for a hug and to make me feel special. He blesses our family and takes time to ask about what we are doing or show us something he has discovered. He takes time for each of our children and plays an important role in their lives. He does not attempt to take the place of my dad, but he walks alongside and I am reminded that I have not been left fatherless.
At times when my heart has been grieving deeply and when I feel alone, abandoned, and fatherless, I have heard the words "I will not leave you as an orphan". Those words are found in John 14:18, where it reads " I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." He calls me to trust Him, to rest in Him. To let Him fill those hurts, to leave my scars open for him to heal as He comes to me. Sometimes when I go to Him, I expect rebuke and scorn for failing in so many areas, for not loving or for being selfish, but whenever I look into His eyes, I only see love and acceptance. And as I lock gaze with him, we slowly being to dance. Some days we dance slowly. Other days I twirl and leap gracefully around him, being energized by his loving gaze that never leaves me. Other times, I come to Him broken, weak and tired and He dances before me, showing me that I am his beloved child, drawing me into his embrace.
I hold onto the promise that I have not been left abandoned. I have been told coldly that my earthly dad is dead and gone. I have been told that my dad is around me, seen in the people and things that surround me. But I believe my dad is in fact more alive and whole then ever, rejoicing in heaven and that one day we will be united again. And as I go through life, moment by moment, day by day, Jesus who is my Daddy in Heaven is caring for me and loving me. I have not been left alone. I have my great comforter who will never leave me.
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