Birthday Reminders

Today is a day that I kind of dance around in my head  I know it is coming, but think I can avoid it if I pretend it isn't coming.  I don't know whether to anticipate it or dread it.  It's my dad's birthday.  And it's the second one without him here on earth.  It's another one of those days where I miss him and don't know how to expect myself to feel or how I will feel.  I know I shouldn't put the pressure on myself, but even as I try to release it, I still dance around it.

I woke up this morning feeling anxious and felt a need for peace.  I know that real peace does not come from within me, but from The Lord, who is Peace himself.   1Thessalonians 3:16 it reads: "Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you".  As a Christ follower, I am never without peace, but I do need to choose to receive it.  I don't need to dread this day- I can rest in the peace that covers me.

I began to journal in hopes of collecting my thoughts and making sense of them.  I poured out my heart, my pain over not having dad here to celebrate with.  I also included the frustration I was feeling from my sore back (muscle spasms).  And as I wrote, I realized a song was playing in the background about God's love and I was reminded that I am His beloved.  As I wrote, I remembered that God is for me.  I will never be left alone  Nothing can separate me from his love  I am weak but God and His joy are my strength.  I was reminded that these pains and troubles that I have are temporary.
The pain in my body feels like I'm stuck in a cage.  It binds me.  It locks me within the walls of my skin.  I long for the door to be opened and the muscles to release and the pain to dissolve away pain and set me free.

I later read 2 Corinthians 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what  is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal".  These were the words my soul was crying out for.  The hope of the eternal.  The desire to see the unseen.  The encouragement to keep going, to not give in to the dark hopelessness.  That something much much better to come than the pain and sadness this world offers. 

I read on in 2 Corinthians chapter five about how our bodies ache and groan as we wait for our eternal heavenly home.  I am not at home here and I am so thankful for the gift of the Holy Spirit who secures what is to come.  And deep within me I long for what is coming. 

And so, I faced my day knowing I was not alone, I was loved and that better things were to come. I also let the tears flow as memories of my dad played through my mind.  I was filled with the deep ache of missing him, but I was also soothed with the memory of being loved by him. 

And one day... one day we will meet again.  I have the feeling that eternity worshiping our great creator will outweigh the pain of missing my dad, but right now it feels like we never got enough time together. 

And so I grab hold of the peace that covers me, I press on, longing for the day that my earthly body will fade away and I look forward to the celebration that is to come.