World adoption day, where people are posting photos of smiling faces on their hands and where many people share the amazing parts of adoption. I've been struggling with what to share. With how to be real and respect my children's privacy about a lot of what adoption really is about. For me, adoption has been a journey to our children, to expand our family and to learn to love and meet the needs of our children and live as a family. It has beautiful, sacred moments, of giggles and joy, mixed with pain, loss, confusion, grief and tears or rage. Adoption is messy. There can be lies and corruption, there can be healing and restoration. I love seeing how we changed and grown as a family, yet my heart aches that because we live in a broken world, adoption is needed. Every day brings challenges we wouldn't be facing if we hadn't embraced this journey. Yet everyday would be missing what our youngest two children bring to our lives if we hadn't adopted. And so, I've decided to share an old post from in 2011 when we had been home together as a family of 6 for 18 months.
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| 2010 |
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| 2016 |
18 months... (and it might take that long to read!)
September 2011
(sorry in advance for grammar and spelling errors- but it took a lot of energy to reflect this much...)
I’ve decided it is good that the walls in
our home can’t talk. I’m glad that they aren’t made of glass and that
everyone passing by doesn’t see and hear all that happens within. There
have been many days of screaming and whining over the past 18 months.
But there has also been laughter, forgiveness, growth and
celebrations.
Over the 18 months there has been physical
growth, development and emotional growth and there has also been
spiritual learning. I will post the exact height and weight increases
soon, but it’s pretty amazing to see!
When we first came home, it would take us
up to 4 hours (yes, us- both Linc and I) to get Paulso and Meski to
sleep. Over many months and different approaches and transitions, they
now are in a routine where we read a story form their Bible book, sing a
song, pray together, say good night, give hugs and kisses and turn out
the light, close the door and walk down the hall to do something else.
I’ll never forget those days of having restless kids fighting sleep and
trying to have physical contact yet not be touched. Of being spit on
and screamed at. Of being peed on. Of being pushed away and being
clung to.
In the early weeks and months I wasn’t sure
any of us would survive. Many times I guiltily thought that we had not
only ruined our family, but also Paulos and Meski’s lives too. I spent
so much time in tears, feeling helpless and panicking at what to do
next. I was so tired from carrying Meski everywhere and so tired from
being screamed at for hours on end. I lost a lot of weight and knew I
was getting sick. The day I finally agreed to go get meds, surprisingly
enough I felt the heavy cloud begin to lift and hope fill in the
depression. It wasn’t easy, but I began to hear from others who’s early
weeks at home weren’t easy. And I began to close my ears to the so not
helpful comments of “well this is what you asked for”. I learned
quickly that when I asked others for help, many weren’t reliable but
some were there to bring a meal or listen to me or pray with me. In
many ways I had to grow up and learn that others weren’t going to fully
understand what was going on in our home, our family or our emotions.
They wouldn’t grasp the extent of the screaming or intensity of having
and terrified, grieving toddler scream for you to hold her while you
stand so you can’t just set her down and abandon her. And just as the
meals for having a new child didn’t come (in fact one person emailed
that since we didn’t have a baby we probably didn’t need meals, to which
I cried “please help us- babies can cry and stay in one place, but 2
screaming toddlers cannot be left alone or they destroy the room!” and
we did get 3 meals) and friends didn’t celebrate their homecoming with
showers (but my Reimer cousins truly did bless us with a party for
them!) and the gifts of clothing that I was told would fill our home
when they came home didn’t fill their drawers, I had to learn to
process my disappointment not at not getting stuff, but at others not
fully welcoming and accepting these little ones as our own.
Today we no longer go to so many doctor
appointments. Our monthly trips to the infectious disease dr. have
resulted in us becoming a parasite free family (oh I hope we truly
are!!). I won’t go into details but we can now recognize many parasites
and fungal growth and other conditions. It was amazing to see the
change in their diet needs once the parasites no longer made him crave
and devour noodles, dabo and musha. In the early weeks, Meski began to
catch up in height and weight, but Paulos remained tiny. Recently, he
grew 1 inch in less then a month!
Meal times were stressful to put it
nicely. Paulos and Meski could out eat the 4 others in our family.
Watching Meski learn to chew her food and become so relaxed with knowing
there would be food that she now takes forever to eat her meals (they
told us in Ethiopia that she was a slow eater and would need help but we
didn’t believe them!) From needing to monitor portions at meals and
having kids ask for more and more water all the time to them coming to
understand that there would be food and water and no longer fighting to
survive, horde or stuff it in the same ways (yes stress and different
over stimulation still causes them to resort back to earlier survival
methods, but what change and relief and even our grocery bill has gone
down).
All bags, boxes and storage containers had
to be removed. If not, each would be stuffed with any lose object or
toy and hauled through the house and outside. The early days were also
filled with searching for toys, toothbrushes, balloons and new cherished
items. Fortunately we discovered several places that items were often
hidden in. After hearing the pain in our son’s voice as he tried to
explain how the car we had sent him was taken from where he hid it by a
bigger boy in the foster home, we gave him a box to store special items
and cars in. Slowly, they were able to put the toys we gave them in
Ethiopia on a shelf and trust it would still be there later. Today they
freely leave their toys and clothing all over the house!
In the early days, they had no muscle tone
or control. They could hardly walk let alone run they were so weak.
When they first jumped on the trampoline, Paulos had this amazing way of
jumping where his feet when straight out but his body never jumped up
in height (which we have seen as a part of their tribal dances). Now
they spend a lot of time jumping and giggling on the trampoline with the
neighbor kids.
Before neither kids had ridden a bike. Now
both kids confidently ride 2 wheel bikes (and both can bike fast,
however some days the younger one peddles slowly down the street
announcing just how fast she is some days while I brake from coasting to
stay with her). They run and screech and play long after I’m tired
from watching them. And Paulos can now sprint as fast as I can run!
Meski loves to sing and usually has a song
from church or a favorite cd that she sings as we grocery shop, drive in
the van or even while biking. Paulos too loves to sing, especially
loud singing while marching through the house or while in the bathroom.
We have gone from having to shave their
hair while in Ethiopia to watching it grow and learn how to brush it,
wash it and care for it. We cut Paulos’ hair a while back after it was
around 15 cm and we were getting comments about it being culturally
inappropriate for him to have it in coils since he “was a good boy with a
good mom and dad” (and wasn’t a Rastafarian). One day I hope to see
some nice locks on his head! And Meski’s gone form screaming while I
cornrow or twist it to letting me do it while we chat, watch “Max and
Ruby” or play on my ipod. I’ve learned how to make braiding paste (and
found it works great as my hair product too!) and experimented with
different oils to keep Meski’s hair healthy and am so proud that I’m
taking the time to care for it in these ways because it feels so soft
and healthy and shines so nicely now. Sometimes we even take a style
out before it has gone fuzzy because I want to try something new and I
must admit that she has fun hair!
We concentrate heavily on attachment,
helping Paulos and Meski know we are here to meet their needs and that
we are constant, not abandoning them nor leaving them to fend for
themselves. It’s been rewarding to see this relationship grow and see
the confidence flourish as the attachment strengthens. In the last
months, there has been a new sense of freedom because Linc and I no
longer need to always be where the youngest two are. We can let them
play outside with the neighbor kids or let them stay with grandparents
without us. We have gone from hearing “anteh anteh” (you you) to
becoming Mommy and Daddy to them.
Paulos and Meski have been able to begin to
process and put into words “why you wait so long?” It broke my heart
when they told me that friends went to Canada but we didn’t come and
they had to wait there. Bits and pieces of life in Ethiopia come out,
but often mixed with info that doesn’t make sense or embellished with
things they do here but were “apparently” what they did back in
Ethiopia. I have mixed emotions as I wait to hear them put events from
the past into words and begin to openly grieve and question what has
happened. And yet we know they have a history from before we became a
family and there is a part of them that will always cry out for and
wonder about what was and what could have been. And I hope that they
will never feel they cannot talk about their Ethiopian family. There
will be much learning here in the days and years to come.
Back in March 2010, Paulos and Meski were
very much at 18 months developmentally. It was amazing to see how
prayers, love, stimulation and nutrition can help them thrive. Within 9
months, seeing Paulos reach a 4.5 year old level was nothing short of a
miracle! It was also pretty special to hear Paulos surprise himself
when he first counted to 10 and now to 20. We had hoped that he could
get to 5 by kindergarten since numbers really made no sense to him.
Suddenly things are coming together in leaps and bounds. He loves the
abcs and printing and will sit and draw and color for over an hour at a
time. And now, he attends kindergarten each afternoon and totally loves
it and has made friends!
As the family continues to mix together and
heal, the intensity mounts. There is sibling rivalry and connections.
There has been much copying, especially Paulos copying Tristan. We
have had to stop direct echoing at meal times, but we see how the kids
learn through mimicking and doing what the others do and say. We have
also come to see that “echoing” to not just be the same as another
sibling, but an attempt to become
the sibling. It hurts to hear the determination of Paulos wanting to
be big like Tristan, to be fast like Tristan, to go to school like
Tristan and to be white like Tristan. I’ve told him we don’t need
another Tristan, we need Paulos, and he smiles but says he still wants
to be Tristan.
Our family has changed so much in the past
18 months. I’ve seen each of us grow. I’ve learned new things about
each of us (and haven’t always liked what I learned about myself). And,
I’ve seen that we as a family are right where we are supposed to be.
We are growing. Love is happening. Healing is happening. And yes,
there are still struggles and battles and screaming and deep scars that
need love, grieving and healing, but we are together. And we are on a
journey with the One who brought us together and loves us and has a plan
to do so much more with our family!
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