"...once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."
Proverbs 24:12
Thursday, September 21, 2017
A moment to Breathe, day 9.
"For by one offering he has perfected forever those who are sanctified." ~Hebrews 10:14
In today's reading by Sarah Mae I was reminded that Jesus isn't waiting for me to have everything figured out and together. He isn't waiting for me to say the right words or do something to earn my worth. He's waiting for me to look to him Him and trust him. It is in my deepest weakness and messes that I can grow and mature when I rely on Jesus strength.
And right now, in the mess, He calls me loved, comforted, healed and victorious. The Holy Spirit is at work in and through me. I am not looking back at who I was or thought I was. My failures, mistakes and the lies I believed don't hold me back. Through the redeeming blood of Jesus I have been sanctified. I am washed clean. I am free. And so I breathe it in. My eyes are on Jesus and I never want to look away from the love in His gaze.
Day 5 of "A Moment To Breathe" made me pause. Our upcoming move to a new
community has brought many emotions to the surface. Today a fear of
mine was revealed and Jesus' truth was able to replace it. Our family is
noisy and busy. In turn, my ducks aren't in a row and I feel I appear
less than put together. Our community has have been part of our lives
for 18 years. They've celebrated births and homecomings of our children.
They've heard our kids laugh, tantrum, talk and yell.
They've seen us parent through many situations, and yes, witnessed our
less then wonderful reactions to our children as we parent... But it's
safe here in the known, in the place where we are known and loved. And
now we are leaving this to go to a place where we aren't known, where we
don't know how our family will fit and where nobody knows about our
everyday mess. I sat here thinking about this quite a while. I know we
are being called to our next home to love our neighbors, to bless others
in our home and to raise our family in a larger space and so I am
choosing to put aside how I want others to see us. My identity and worth
is not based on how well behaved (or noisy and wild) my kids are. It's
not based on how watered and weeded my flowers are. It's not based on
having my home decorated just right. I am a forgiven child of my
heavenly father's. I am loved, chosen and victorious. I am also a work
in progress, being shaped by my creator. I am called to love others to
love Jesus. And, although my life isn't tidy and controlled, it is going
to be lived by meeting and freely loving our new community. "For am I
now trying to persuade people or God? Or am I striving to please
people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a
servant of Christ"-Galatians 1:10 #amomenttobreathe#documentlifesmoments#thesonisalwaysshining
I'm
ready to live fully. The reheated coffee (that I'd originally made so
carefully by roasting my own beans to the perfect darkness and then made
in a clay jabana the traditional way that the Ethiopian founders of
coffee make it) boiled over in the microwave. My throats burns and my
sinuses throb but I know there is more to this day. I eased my weary
aching body into the hot-tub. And my sanctuary didn't fail me. I breathed
in deeply, slowly and held my breath, my lungs open and full before
releasing it and all that I was carrying. The demands of life,
committees wanting members, the weariness from our
cleaning-purging-fixing-buying-selling that has happened, the seasonal
urge to can and forge for winter food for my family and the ever present
question of what's for supper slips away. There is just me, sitting in
the sunshine in my place, in peace. But yet there is more than just me- I
allow myself to go deeper, to the things that matter and that are to
many unknown and unseen. My thoughts turn to my Heavenly Father and the sunshine
turns into a warm embrace from Him. And I was swept away, to a place
where I am whole, I am healed and I dance in praise and worship. I am
left in awe of my God and His powerful love. Tears wash away the stress
and the mess I make on my own. And what I feel is more than having a
silent house. It's more than the freedom of not having preschoolers to
care for. It's more than anything this world offers. My heart is open
and my hands release what they tightly held. His glory settled on me,
making me come alive. The bigness of my life made minute compared to the
wonder of Him. I praise the One who loves me and created me. And I breath in, fully alive.
"I pray that he will use his glorious riches to make you strong. May his Holy Spirit give you his power deep down inside you. Then
Christ will live in your hearts because you believe in him. And I pray
that your love will have deep roots. I pray that it will have a strong
foundation. May
you have power together with all the Lord’s holy people to understand
Christ’s love. May you know how wide and long and high and deep it is. And may you know his love, even though it can’t be known completely. Then you will be filled with everything God has for you." ~Ephesians 3:16-19
"If you don't FORGIVE sins, what will you do with them?" -John 20:23.
Forgiveness. There are certain things and people that are easier to
forgive, but the one who hurts us deeply or intentionally... Maybe it's
not a struggle for you, but for me it's a daily battle to not hold onto
other people's words or insults. It gets pretty heavy and messy when we
hold onto what others have done or said to us. When we don't forgive,
we can grow bitter, depression can set in, anxieties and
grudges grow. We are called to forgive everyone. And, when we do
forgive and let go there is freedom. Healing doesn't happen in the mess
of what is not forgiven. The verse before this says "Receive the Holy
Spirit. If you forgive someone's sins, they are gone for good". And
although forgiveness is often a journey for us to work through, the
moment we do forgive, the sin is gone. It's not there. It doesn't define
us. And like the song below declares,
"You met me at the sinners table I found You waiting by the well, unexpected You are always there Tracing all my steps"
And that is beautiful. It's not the work of you or me but is
because of the redemption found in the cross.
Light up the way of Your heart Move me like You do the mountains Move me like You do the wind And I'll chase Your voice through the dark Fix my eyes on the unexpected In the wonder of Your shadow step So take another step
You met me at the sinners table I found You waiting by the well, unexpected You are always there Tracing all my steps
Light up the way of Your heart Move me like You do the mountains Move me like You do the wind And I'll chase Your voice through the dark Fix my eyes on the unexpected In the wonder of Your shadow step So take another step
You never left the lost forsaken Your mercy paves the road ahead, unexpected You are always good You are always good
Light up the way of Your heart Move me like You do the mountains Move me like You do the wind And I'll chase Your voice through the dark Fix my eyes on the unexpected In the wonder of Your shadow step And I won't be afraid In every way, You never fail So have Your way, here God And I'll sing Your praise Fix my heart to Yours Ready for the unexpected Ready for what You will do next
I can't explain Your heart Or dare to trace-out all You are But when I think about the road You took for love I know Your grace will stay the path
Light up the way of Your heart Move me like You do the mountains Move me like You do the wind And I'll chase Your voice through the dark Fix my eyes on the unexpected In the wonder of Your shadow step And I won't be afraid In every way, You never fail So have Your way, here God And I'll sing Your praise Fix my heart to Yours
The tears threaten to spill as the anxieties swell.
I don't look up expecting to find you there,
but you always are.
Like a whisper,
you remind me that I am loved.
I am yours.
In the stillness
and the storms
it's always you.
It's your voice,
your love,
You.
Rest in the unknown
Peace when the wind rages
and I don't know whose voice to listen for
An anchor,
bringing me back
binging me hope,
You restore.
You heal.
You strengthen while I wait.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your
gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about
anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all
understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." – Philippians 4:4-7
Find you Here
-Ellie Holcomb
It's not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear
It's not the road we would have chosen, no
The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead
But You're asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead
[Chorus]
And I didn't know I'd find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace
So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry us through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fears, with peace
[Verse 2]
You say that I should come to You with everything I need
You're asking me to thank you even when the pain is deep
You promise that You'll come and meet us on the road ahead
And no matter what the fear says, You give me a reason to be glad
[Chorus]
And I didn't know I'd find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace
So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fear
[Bridge]
Here in the middle of the lonely night
Here in the middle of the losing fight, You're
Here in the middle of the deep regret
Here when the healing hasn't happened yet
Here in the middle of the desert place
Here in the middle when I cannot see Your face
Here in the middle with Your outstretched arms
You can see my pain and it breaks Your heart
[Chorus]
And I didn't know I'd find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me with, peace
So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fear with peace
[Outro]
Rejoice, rejoice
Don't have to worry 'bout a single thing, 'cause
You are overwhelming me with, peace!
Don't have to worry 'bout a single thing
You're gonna carry us through everything
Overwhelming peace ...
Thanks to the miracles of God and the gift
of an organ donor… and the donor’s family.
The transplant was a time of celebration-
another chance at life, a new chapter, more time.
But our time of hope was another family’s
time of saying goodbye, a time of sadness, grief and loss.
Sorrow and joy
Ended and continuing
Beating on, from one life to another, a new
path to discover and wander on.
The scar- a map that merges two
journeys.Of sacrifice.Of dark, hard times where hope whispered in and
healing took root through prayer and began to grow.A reminder of a great gift.
As we stood at the door of the ICU, we
stood on the edge of life and death, at the passage from this world to the next.We fought with prayer and petitioned for our
Mom’s life.I stood against letting her
be admitted into the ICU ward and fought as a warrior for a chance to get her
to Toronto where there was a fleeting chance of a new liver for mom, a closing
window of hope.
All odds were against us.Darkness threatened.Confusion loomed.Weakness.Infection.Deterioration.The toxins continued to build, spiraling her
into a near unresponsive state.Her body
slowed, barely able to fight.No longer
the strength nor will to.Caving in.Time passed as her life seemed to tick away.
Isolation.Heaviness of the moments.
A new routine of rising earlier than the
sun, while Toronto was just awakening.Boiling an egg for 7 minutes.Running it carefully down the elevator, and past the smell of coffee
shops, city buses, nodding at the man awakening each morning along the side of
the street, and arriving on the transplant ward in time to debrief with the
night nurse and prepare for the medical team meeting.Nurses, specialists, surgeons, and the one
known as the Liver God comparing notes, reading blood levels, adjusting
medications, and reviewing the day ahead.
Evaluations.Tests, scans, appointments with social
workers and other specialists took us through the bowels of the hospital.Monitoring fluid intake.Waiting for the news to be on “the list”, to
be sick enough yet well enough to qualify above others waiting for a new
liver.Feeling desperate, yet selfish
for wanting to be next.
Officially “on the list”- on the top for
Canada, United States and Europe.Finally!Yet, the joy seeped out as the realization
hit us - she was that sick. The sickest to qualify.Too sick?Only time would tell, yet time was what we didn’t have.
Infection- her pic line torn from her arm
and antibiotics administered to attack and kill the unwanted germs.Crashing as we hear she is removed from the
list.A trip back to isolation with
rumblings of a super bug.A private
room.Silence.Hope
gets hard to find.
Each night my sister and I retrace our
steps to the hotel.Sharing the elevator
ride with a family or a couple in love dressed for a night on the town who talk
of things from another world, of ball games and swimming pools, shopping and
movies.Weariness sets in as we heat yet
another plate of nachos in the hotel microwave.Licking our fingers we stare at our phone screens, checking email,
looking for messages reminding us we aren’t in this alone.We say goodnight after setting alarms,
checking and rechecking that the ringer is on in case the hospital calls.Aching for a call of good news but dreading
the call that puts an end to the wait.
Back on the list.And news of a donor.Waiting.Waiting takes so long.Anticipation.Giddiness as we
email family and friends and strangers to pray for what we learn was not to
be.The liver was not healthy enough to
be viable.The tears come, despair sets
in.A seasoned, caring nurse advises us
to see it as a rehearsal for the real thing.Another reminds us to keep looking up.We continue the journey, feeling cut and bruised.Angry that it wasn’t what we wanted.
And other infection scare.More deterioration.Phone
calls home.Feeling removed and
distant.The lack of control leaves one
spinning to hope and back as more tests are done.Back on the list.But not sure it means anything anymore.Emptiness
as we stare out the widow, tall buildings closing us in.Sirens echo down the streets.Stark reminders that for some they arrive too
late.The very news we depend on in order
to receive a call of life for our mom.The realness of how wrong it is as we sit and wait.
And then, a spark of hope is lit, yet we
cautiously push it aside, not wanting to encourage it to grow, yet our hearts
wonder if it might be the one.And as
the moments spread into hours, the medical team preps mom with last minute tests.Secretly I stir 6 packets of sugar into a
small cup of juice and convince mom to drink it.All of it.Not wanting her to know her blood sugar levels are dangerously low and if
she can’t finish it, the surgery will be called off and the gift of life given
to another.
And in the dark of night, they come.They wheel mom down the hall.We follow, not sure if we dare to dream.We pause at the doors which separate us from
the gift, we pray over Mom one last time.A holy, sacred wind blows around us and follows her as the doors close,
leaving us waiting.Praying
desperately.Hoping earnestly.
The sun rises.Our only relatives in Ontario arrive,
representing Dad whose presence and support has been missed.They hold us with renewed strength as they
nourish us and refresh our spirit. At
long last we hear the news that the liver was delivered, that already it
filters the toxins that flood through our mom.Her body begins to fight again.The
dam breaks within me and for the moment I do not need to be strong.We have
made it to this place.But the thought is
not far away that somewhere, a family begins to say goodbye.They selflessly chose to give the gift of
life not only to mom but multiple others.
And we breath, weeping at the miracle God has done.
The heaviness of silence.
I sit waiting.
Weary.
The pain sets in.
Trapped in a cage,
waiting to be set free.
My body aches.
Immersed in the emptiness this world holds.
Trying to breath.
Gripped in hopelessness.
Drowning.
All I long to do.
All I want to be.
All on the other side of pain.
It crashes down on me,
like waves in the ocean,
sucking me under.
Helplessly I am tossed about.
Darkness surrounds me.
Yet as I open my eyes,
I see you.
Everything is dim and blurry,
except your face.
Gentle yet fierce.
Stronger than the waves that hold me captive.
I am at my end.
Longing.
Waiting for just one touch.
You reach out.
Offering a retreat of safety.
I whisper your name
and let go of all that holds me.
All that is in me is released.
Surrender.
Warmth melts the fear and
light floods out despair.
Freedom.
Joy.
Life.
Hope.
My earthly body remains but does not stop me.
In just one touch.
I am restored.
Loved.
Alive.
And I lift my arms.
In praise.
In victory.
Hope. This morning
started with the everyday grumbles and fighting mixed with laughter and
hurrying to get ready. However, Meski came running back from feeding
our bunny in distress- someone or some animal came back, tore open the
cage and Louie is now gone too. As we expressed our feelings- anger,
sadness and frustration, Meski looked up at our hope tree (planted in
honor of our first baby that died before we got to hold her) and
announced that it was growing leaves. And so we talked a bit about the
hope we feel when the buds burst open in spring and the hope we have in
life as children of God. Hope, even when their hearts are torn in
sadness and there is anger over something out of our control. Hope as we
remember their Great grandpa who passed on from this world one year ago
last night. Hope that we will see him and other dearly missed loved
ones in glory one day. Hope that the Holy Spirit goes with us each and
every day. Hope in a weary and broken world. And the words from the
hymn "Great is thy Faithfulness" comes to mind
"...pardon for sin and a
peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!"
And, below is a song that reminds me to hold on to hope. Life won't always be easy. There are moments such as this mornings discovery of our missing bunny, that will bring sadness but are also learning moments to push forward, to grab onto hope, to Jesus, the anchor of my soul and the One who can carry me through. I'd love to protect my kids from sadness and pain, to fix their problems and the world around them, but I cannot. Nor would I be helping if I did fix everything or shield them from loss and struggles.
So in whatever you face today, may you too be filled with hope.
"My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from him"
My
heart is heavy for the way our world is full of pain, suffering and
evil. The bombings in Egypt that killed dozens of people and left over
100 injured on Palm Sunday
is just one example. ISIS has claimed they are not only responsible for the
bombing, but in a video in February claim that Coptic Christians are
"our priority and our preferred prey". We are not made to live In the
fear terrorism creates. The people killed were gathered to celebrate the
coming of their King and Messiah, they were gathered in peace and
worshiping.
My prayer is the family and neighbors of the victims and each of us we will choose love over hate and
fear and that we will grab onto truth instead of the dark lies that
create fear and hate. Hope, even in a weary, broken and sin filled
world. Hope like the plants (in my photo above) that break through the ground and burst into new life as the sun warms the ground. Hope because of Jesus. Hope because he is no longer dead, no
longer buried in the grave but alive.
