I had the privileged of speaking to a group of parents at our church who all have children that are three and four years old. They were given the book "The 5 Love Languages" and I was asked to introduce it and share for about 15 minutes. Since I always write out my ideas before speaking and I have been asked by a few parents who were unable to come what I talked about, I decided to share the notes I wrote here with you. I didn't share this word for word and may have added or subtracted things along the way, but here is an idea of what I shared on Sunday:
I began by introducing myself and continued on to say that I have 4 kids, all of whom at one
time were aged 3 and 4 like your kids. Now they are finishing grade
7, grade 4, grade 2 and grade 1. As I was praying about what to talk
about this morning, I was led down a trail of memories of life when
my kids were 3 and 4 years old. 3 and 4 year old are busy, They are
smart, They test you, they take tantrums to the next level and they
expect the world to revolve around them. Their smile lights up a
room, their enthusiasm is contagious, their hugs rejuvenate, and a
child who has not lived a life with trauma, has raw emotions and not
hidden by sarcasm or hardness. They can stop to watch an army of
ants that we never saw as we rush to our next appointment and they
can also dart away with such speed that it's really hard to find them
in a store full of racks of clothing or here at church in the foyer!
A three and 4 year old can also model what we are called to do with
our heavenly father when they crawl onto our laps and rest against
us, feeling safe and secure. We can learn a lot from our 3 and 4
year olds. I also find that some days I was learning more about
myself and I didn't always like what I saw when I was exhausted, when
I was done with being asked why, when my patience was finished or I
just felt I wanted a bit of life to be about me and what I needed.
Our
family dynamics are a bit different then some of yours. Our youngest
two joined our family when they were 3 and 4 years old as tiny,
scared children who needed a family. Even though just 4 years ago
they wore 12 month clothing and weighed 21 and 23 pounds, since they
didn't arrive as babies and they were mobile. We adopted them from
Ethiopia and they weren’t asked if they wanted to be uprooted from
everything they knew to come with us. They didn't know us, our
language, our food, our never ending winters, or anything about the
way our family worked. They had experienced trauma and loss that I
will never understand. Yet God had this amazing plan to bring them
to our family here in Manitoba. We had days and months of screaming
and raging that would last up to 7 hours where things would be torn
apart, there was kicking, screaming, peeing, spitting and much more
as these terrified little people tried to figure out life and
couldn't express the deep grieving they were going through. As time
went on, language skills grew and they matured developmentally and
we were able to communicate verbally. Sometimes we would just hold
our screaming child, crying along with them, wondering how these
little ones or any of our family would ever heal. Today, you see our
happy and growing children, filled with smiles and joy. They have
tools to use to communicate instead of needing to scream for hours at
a time. And we have learned ways to speak and discipline so they no
longer go into flights mode so quickly and they also shut down and
tune out a lot less. They are healing and growing in love. They
still carry wounds that they will grieve, but they now have food,
medical care, love, security, a family and Jesus who is their Lord,
their saviour and their healer.
And, as
we all know, kids don't stay 3 and 4 years old. Some days that's a
very good thing, but back when I made time to scrapbook, I remember
scrapbooking pages at each age and stage and often including pages
that used the word “stop” or freeze” or stay- just stay little
a bit longer, slow down, you're growing up too fast, stay where you
are because the world can be a big scary place and right now I can
keep you safe.
Each of
our children are at different ages and stages but more so, each of
our children are unique individuals who express themselves
differently, have different needs and who crave attention and love in
different ways. Gary Chapman who has written several books,
including the 5 love languages of children that you will each be
receiving today does a great job at teaching us ways to love each
child to meet their individual needs. This book helps us understand
how to learn what love language your child uses and how you can speak
into their life and connect with them effectively. Since you are
getting this book, I don't want to provide you with a book report,
but rather encourage you to take the time to read it and to find ways
to speak your child's love language.
Each of
us and our children are emotional beings. We laugh, we cry, we get
angry, we love, we hate, we get scared – we feel. We have several
emotional needs that need to be met in order to feel secure and
significant. Each of your children need to know they are loved
different ways. Each of them also communicates love differently.
When we
speak our child's love language or when we connect with them on a
level where they feel secure, loved, cared for and treasured, I like
to call it filling their love tank. Others call it their emotional
tank. Children need these tanks to be filled in order to reach their
full potential.
Dr.
Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist who co-wrote the 5 love languages book
says that “Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting
to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will
develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will
misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the
cravings of an empty ‘love tank.’”
When I
do something unique and special for them or just spend some quality
time with them, I can tell that their love tank is filled. They are
happier and more content. As you read this book, Gary and Ross
emphasize the importance of filling up our children’s love tanks
because when they are full with love, their chemistry is balanced
with calming hormones – in particular oxytocin, the love hormone
and endorphins ( a mix of feel good hormones). When their love tank
is full they will be happy and this will in turn make you happy. They
will be able to play without demanding, whining or doing things to
simply get your attention.
As
parents, we need to be aware of how each of our children's tanks get
filled. We need to become their biggest cheerleader. If we don’t
speak into their lives and fill these tanks, someone else will.
Recently one of our pastor's Dan Doerksen posted the following quote
by A. Price on facebook: “Parents need to fill a child’s bucket
of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough
holes to drain it dry.” What a clear picture this gives us. It
really made me think. And I replied that “when we decided we
wanted to start a family, I had no idea that having a baby meant not
just raising a baby but raising adults. I didn't know it could be so
hard to be my child's biggest cheerleader on days where I couldn't
think of much to cheer them on about. I had no idea it would involve
such a deep level of trust in my Lord to keep reaching into their
lives on some days. I am learning to celebrate the little things as
well as the big things. And as I choose to love my children and speak
Life and Truth into their lives in ways that fill their emotional
tank or bucket, I see a different child then on the days that I
don't. Being a parent is a huge job. What a blessing to have a
heavenly father who loves us not for how or what we do but because of
who we are. Remembering that I am His beloved and acknowledging that
love enables me to love my children.”
I found
myself thinking about how big a job it is to be a parent. We need to
learn how to fill each of our kids' emotional tanks. but how are we
to love our kids the way we as parents are called to and created to
if we don't even know who we are and whos we are and how loved we
are? How are we to love our kids when our own emotional tank isn't
being filled? The need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the
heart of marital desires, but our spouses are human and I don't
believe they were created to truly meet all our needs. I believe
that as a team, we can speak into each other's lives in ways that do
fill each others tanks, but ultimately, our true significance and
source of Life comes from Jesus. I don't know if each of you here
this morning will agree with this, nor do I know if each of you have
experienced just how great and how amazing God's love is for you,
Take a
moment to think about who or what do you go to today to have your
love tank filled. Maybe some of you aren't feeling it today, but You
are loved. As I prepared for this morning that message just came
back over and over. Tell them they are loved.
I have
the honor of being a “stay at home mom” and now that my kids are
all in school full time, I even have hours in my day where I no
longer have interruptions, no longer have the opportunity to sneak
off to the park or--- and I find I can actually make time for quiet
time with my heavenly father. I have found myself drawn more and
more to worshipping my daddy through music and songs. I have been
learning a lot about who I am and how loved I truly am. One day I
was given a vision of me, bowing down before Jesus. We were in his
majestic throne room- it was filled with brilliant light, there were
angels, there was this immense room that just went on forever, and I
was alone with Jesus. I fell before him, and lay there, speechless,
in awe and submission. As I lay there, Jesus arose from his throne,
he stepped down and walked over to me. He reached down and lifted my
face to look at him. He wiped my tears and as he gazed into my eyes,
I knew he could read every thought I had ever had. I didn't expect
the tenderness and mercy that I saw when I let my eyes look at his
eyes. And as he gently held me, he spoke in a voice that was tender
yet full of passion these words: he said” You are my beloved”.
I was worshiping our king, our creator God, our risen savior, and
He, in all His glory and power stepped down and called my his beloved
child. And as I sat there, reflecting on this, letting those words
absorb deep inside me to the places that needed to hear these words,
I was overwhelmed. Each of us are His beloved. We don't need to do
more, We don't need to stop yelling, although i believe He can help
us stop, we don't need to have a clean organized house, we don't need
promotions, or enough money saved to take our kids to Disney, we
don't need to have kids who are dry all day and night, we don't need
to eat the most healthy foods or turn our bodies into amazing muscle
machines, we don't need our hair done right or our kids dressed in
pants that actually reach their ankles or even wearing socks without
holes. We don't need to have it all together. We are loved. Each
one of you is loved. You each are His beloved child.
Just
this week I heard about an adult woman who had received a phone call
from a significant person in her life and I have permission to share
about her experience. She had been waiting years for this older
woman to speak into her life. She answered the phone, allowing her
heart to hope that just maybe today was the day this person would try
to connect with her and really listen to her. After their
greetings, the phone call continued like it did most times in the
past. The older woman who called began to complain about things, to
tell the other woman about what she said and did for all these people
with big problems, then went on without pausing to share about a
friend that was sick. There woman waited for her to ask her about
how she was doing, to be asked about her day, to be taken interest
in. Finally she found a quiet moment in the conversation and quickly
began to tell this other woman what she had been up to with her son
the day before. Unfortunately, the older woman interrupted with yet
another unrelated story about a family who was under stress form the
weather and farming. She then abruptly ended the phone call telling
her she was busy and concluded with the following words “I'll talk
to you another day”. The woman sat there holding the phone after
the other woman hung up. She broke into tears. She told me how she
felt so alone, unloved, and orphaned. Nothing she tried to say was
heard, anything she tried to share was interrupted with a story about
what this person was doing or many other people’s problems. She
wanted to share the joy of being with her son. But more so she
wanted to be heard, be cared for and connect with this woman. She
continued with her story. As she sat there, she realized she had 2
choices. She could feel abandoned, alone, and the intense pain and
longing to be loved that is within her, or she could turn to the One
who will fill her tank. She choose to spent time in prayer,
reflecting on how loved she is, and how Jesus said He would never
leave her as an orphan and her thoughts changed as she was reminded
about the other women who do speak life into her and she began to
feel renewed.
“Yahweh
your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice
over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His Love. He will
rejoice or dance over you with singing.” Zephaniah
3:17 “rejoice over you” – literally means “dance, skip, leap,
and spin around in joy.” God dances with shouts of joy over us! He
sings over us, His beloved children. He longs for us to take the
time to be with Him. In the Bible, in John 13:25, like John who laid
his head against Jesus' chest, He wants us to climb onto His lap and
hear His heart beating in love for us. His love totally amazes me!
You can
never do anything to make Him love you more and you can never do
anything to make Him love you less!
And I don't know how this makes you feel, but it totally wows me. I
find it so freeing. As we begin to see how loved we are, we fall
more in love with Jesus. Jesus wants to forgive you. As far as the
east is from the west! He wants a relationship with us, but we need
to accept Him. I know each of you are in a place where it's hard to
find any moments to yourself, but as we make time to read the Bible
and talk with Jesus we begin to change and transform. I fill my home
with worship music and find my thoughts go away from my troubles and
turn to praise God. As we we begin to see how loved we are, it is
out of that love that we will learn to love our spouses and our
children and then we love others outside of our home. We can't do
the love tank filling well enough on our own, but when we are drawing
near t God and being transformed, he will meet our needs and we pray
and trust him to meet the needs of our kids. He will also enable us
to do more than we could ask or imagine.
At the back of the book
are some games and quizzes for helping determine your child's love
languages. I'm going to give a summary of the Five Love Languages of
Children as found in this book. Think about your children or
yourself as I read them:
language 1. Physical Touch: To this person,
nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
Your child may like to:
Receive kisses and cuddles, need to be holding hands, loves
physical activity such as play fighting or wrestling and enjoys
climbing your lap.
Ways you can help foster this love language:
Hug often, give out loads of kisses, hold your child’s hand, sit
closely on the couch, stroke your child’s hair at bed time or
simply lay close with a hand on them until they fall asleep, tickle,
play rough and tumble, play games that require touch, i.e. action
songs, chasing games.
Language 2.Affirmation of Words: This language
uses words to affirm other
Your child may like to:
Receive positive feedback through words, i.e. “You are doing a
great job”. “You are such a great helper”, “Wow! You are so
brave, well done”. “I am so proud of you”.
Ways you can help foster this love language:
Remind your child how much you love them through positive
reinforcement. This can be done through the use of compliments,
praise, leaving messages in their lunchbox, writing notes/letters.
Language 3 Quality Time: This
language is all about giving the other person your undivided
attention.
Your child may like to:
Spend one on one time with you, watching a movie, playing a game,
reading a book (or simply a preferred activity). They will try to
gain your undivided attention and has a desire to sit close to you
whilst they are playing.
Ways you can help foster this love language:
Organise one on one time together throughout the week or a special
time over the weekend. Pay close attention to what they are saying or
requesting and acknowledge what you have heard. If possible create a
routine of specific time you spend together, i.e. bedtime routine,
special events, eating meals together.
language 4.
Receiving Gifts: For some
people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.
Your child may like to:
Receive gifts, treats, and favourite foods as it makes them feel
good about themselves. They enjoy surprises and also giving presents
to others is important to them.
Ways you can help foster this love language:
Cook their favourite meal, give your child inexpensive gifts such
as flowers from the garden, organise treasure hunts, organise
surprise parties, allow the earning of treats (sticker chart).
language 5. Acts of Service : For these people,
actions speak louder than words.
Your child may like to:
Have help completing tasks. They enjoy help with chores, homework,
cooking.
Ways you can help foster this love language:
Have a set time where you can assist in completing homework each
night, organise chores around the house that can be done in pairs,
teach them how they can share acts of service with others, ie. Making
simple snacks for others.
We each
have a different way that we show others love. We each
have our own love language through which we feel loved. Our
kids are created uniquely. They too have their own love languages. We can
love them more fully when we learn what makes them feel loved,
connected and secure. Our
hope and prayer is that this book will help you as families connect
and love each other more.
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